A Year Later

Dear Mom,

I've been avoiding acknowledging the one year anniversary of your passing for a couple of reasons. First, I wasn't sure what type of acknowledgment would feel right and second, I've been afraid of what emotions it might stir in me. However, you made it very clear when you came in my dream a few weeks ago that you're still close by and you miss hearing from me so what better way to honor the anniversary than to write.

A few milestones have taken place in the past year and I've felt your absence in a big way during them, wishing so much that you were here to share in the joy;

Your littlest grandson, the youngest of the twenty is now a teenager! Can you believe it? I can picture so clearly the day we brought him home from the hospital. You and Dad came over with some nice steaks for the grill to share in the occasion with us. Just as we were sitting down to eat he started screaming and I couldn't calm him down no matter what I tried. You were so concerned about me being able to eat while dinner was hot that you offered to take him but I was so stressed out I just barked, "NO!" at you and went on the front steps with him, probably having a good cry while I was out there. I also remember very clearly the look on your face when that happened, I had hurt your feelings with my gruff response and honestly I don't recall if I ever apologized to you for that . I hope so, because I have to tell you that it tears me up inside now that you're gone to know that there were so many times when I carelessly hurt your feelings. I'm so sorry Mom and I wish I could take all of those times back.

Anyway, that screaming baby is now on his way to becoming an adult and I think you'd be proud of him. He is everything good mixed with the attitude of a young teenage boy now and again but to me, his light just shines as bright as could be. Feel free to keep a close eye on him in the coming years as we navigate our way through the teens!

Your baby girl has turned fifty years old! I remember you telling me before you left that you couldn't believe I was headed to fifty with my next birthday. You told me I didn't look anywhere near the age...so sweet. I think the look of fifty has changed through the years, but I accept the compliment and carry it with me when I have those moments when I look in the mirror and am horrified at what I see. Thankfully, they are few and far between. I'm finding my life to be quite peaceful at fifty and I'm filled with gratitude for where I am. I know that it's part of life's cycle and I'd be foolish not to relish in the joys that are coming my way right now.

(Pause...just felt the urge to call and check in on Dad. He's fine - working on his crossword and watching Let's Make a Deal!)

By far the most amazing milestone to date is that of becoming a grandparent. My first grandchild was born three weeks ago and she is the most precious little child! She looks alot like her daddy did when he was first born with the one exception being her nose. I think she has her mommy's nose and a pretty little nose it is. I know you would adore her.

As if that wasn't enough of a blessing, we have another baby girl on the way in a few short weeks. We're all getting very anxious to meet her (especially her parents!) and I know when she arrives her cousin will be happy to share the title of "Most Beautiful Girl in the World" (I suddenly have the theme song to Miss America running through my brain). Of course as Grammy I'm saying my prayers for her safe arrival. Perhaps you could keep an eye on that as well for me?

I know I have BIG shoes to fill in the Grammy department. I can only hope to share the same kind of bond that you did with your grandchildren. There's so much of you that lives in me Mom, and I want to pass that along to the generations that didn't have the benefit of knowing you personally - "Inside of every human being are our ancestors still alive. Today, man calls this DNA, but there is more than DNA. We have the ability to go inside of ourselves and learn from the ancestors. The ancestor teachings reside in the place of the center. They are waiting for us to come there so they can share the ancient teachings. It is said, "Be still and know."" - I hope I do you justice.

So a year later, life continues to move forward and your family is doing it's best to move along with it despite your absence. I feel the movement, yet when I'm with you in my thoughts or dreams, it feels like yesterday that you were here. The bond that was so very important to you is still going strong among us all and the love you taught us to share is alive and well and weaving it's way into the newest generation of family.

I pray that you've been able to move on to a place of total peace, knowing we'll all be okay until we meet again. I miss you and look forward to seeing you in the stillness.

xo,
Carrie