Burning

I close my eyes knowing it's time for sleep. At least that's what the clock tells me. Dark sky, street lights on, no sound but the sound in my head. One word after the next, one sentence after the next, one paragraph turning into a conversation that I don't want to have with myself.

My mind is betraying me. My body is betraying me. The choices I've made from a place of love and compassion seem to be betraying me.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock. Snoring next to me, clearly his thoughts are not betraying him.

Tears want to come, but they don't. Cries for help want to come, but they don't. Panic is trying to come but I'm stronger now and I push it away. Breathing in - 2. 3. 4. - Breathing out - 2. 3. 4..

Tired. So very tired. I remind myself that morning will come. The sound of passing cars will return, the street lights will fade as will these thoughts. My breath will remain. In - 2. 3. 4. - Out - 2. 3. 4..

Would I do it all over again knowing the toll it's taking? Yes. I hear the words of Oriah Mountain Dreamer...

"It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the fire with me and not shrink back."

I am standing. And I am burning.

XO,
Carrie