Alone vs. Lonely

My husband travels once a year to Montana for a big elk hunting trip with his buddies. It used to be for about nine or ten days, but in the past few years it has gradually gone from nine or ten, to eleven, then twelve, now this year it's thirteen. Two weeks in my book! He looks forward to this trip every year and people think I'm the most understanding wife in the world for allowing it to happen year after year. Truth be told, I don't deserve that title because I really enjoy our time apart!

Now before you go spreading any rumors, let me clarify. I met my husband when I was fifteen years old and minus a short lived break up or two (or three or four), we've been together ever since. We married when I was twenty one and a few short months later our oldest son was born. I've never known a time when my life's decisions didn't potentially require a compromise, having gone from living in my parents home to living with my husband. No college dorm living, no moving in with a girlfriend or two, no real sense of living my life on my terms, and noone elses. And of course once children come into the picture, any sense of freedom you feel goes away for a lonnnnng time!

When our children were younger, the Montana trip wasn't happening yet but my husband did travel. It was either a trip for work or an occasional vacation with a friend. I didn't enjoy our time apart then because there was too much resentment involved. All the responsibilities of caring for young children fell on my shoulders while he was gone, and I didn't understand why his choice to participate in these types of things was still an option when I felt mine had been taken away with the birth of our kids. Maybe that wasn't the case, but...well, it's a mother thing!

Fast forward to today and the feeling is so much different. Our youngest is fourteen and extremely self sufficient so I don't feel any kind of a burden when he's gone now unless something unforseen happens. Just the opposite, I feel that sense of freedom that I never experienced in my younger years.

Now, this isn't about wanting to go out and party 'til all hours of the morning (any more), this is about getting to make choices like coming home at 9:30 from a meeting, as I did last night, and putzing around the house making noise until 10:30, then going up to the bedroom and putting the tv on while I put away the folded clothes that still lay on my bed without worrying about disturbing my sleeping husband (who usually goes to bed by 8:00 during the week).

This is about getting to watch ANYTHING on the tv that I want, no matter how "girly" without a fight over the remote or having to listen to the God awful, testosterone filled shows that my husband chooses to watch every night of the week. It's about watering the flowers when I feel like it, without having to worry about getting "the look" when he gets home from work if it's not done. Or it's about cooking what I want, and eating when I want, without any feeling of guilt about my choices.

I could go on and on, but I'm sure you've gotten my point. For someone who's made the life choices that I have (and don't regret them for a second), it's a really nice change of pace to feel like you have total control over your time, and other than negotiating with a fourteen year old now and again, knowing that for a short while, compromise is not in the equation. There is also a sense of accomplishment when you don't rely on anyone but yourself and I rather enjoy that feeling.

Now of course, the only reason I'm able to feel such a wonderful sense of freedom when he goes is because I know he's coming back in two weeks. This is not a permanent situation, he hasn't gone for good, and I can look forward to all the wonderful things our life together brings when he returns. There is a huge difference between being left alone once a year and being lonely because you've been left behind by a loved one. That kind of freedom is as my Mom used to say, a horse of a different color, and my heart goes out to all that must endure it. I pray that if and when the day comes that I'm faced with that kind of aloneness, some of the feelings I speak of today will find their way back to me.

Anyone know what time Dancing with the Stars starts? TeeHeeHee...

xo,
Carrie