Empty Nest

In a previous post entitled No Joke I made mention of all the goodbyes that we face during this phase of life. I suppose not all goodbyes are difficult, but even the ones that are consciously chosen or the ones you believe you're prepared for can surprise you with feelings of sadness and doubt. Goodbyes mandate transition, sometimes you're ready for it, and often times you're not. When my youngest of three sons decided to move out I was definitely not prepared for the whirlwind of emotion that followed. Honestly, I'm still attempting to find my footing in this "Empty Nest" world I'm living in. Still trying to figure out how we got here so fast! The John Lennon line, "Life is something that happens while we're busy making other plans", comes to mind.

We are surrounded by teachings of mindfulness and the importance of living in the present moment so those moments don't pass us by. When I was a child, yoga was just this weird, new age practice that only "hippies" did. Now, it's actually prescribed by doctors as a way of achieving and maintaining good health. Reminders to breathe and be aware are right at our fingertips. For instance, as I write this I'm listening to beautiful, calming, piano music on my phone which is one of the 15,000 meditations you can choose on this great app I downloaded to my phone at the advice of a friend. Literally 15,000 opportunities to be brought back to the here and now if needed!

My point is this, there is a LOT of help available to not allow life to be something that happens while we're busy making other plans, yet I still find that's the direction my mind naturally heads in. As I write and listen to this piano music, I'm hearing my husband's annoying whistling to the 70's rock station he has blasting from his phone. I'm also hearing my stomach trying to tell me it needs food, NOW! I'm hearing the humming of the portable heater at my feet and thoughts of indecision on how I'd like to see the rest of this day play out, all the while trying to decide the direction I want this post to go in. Our days are full of distractions. Life really is one big distraction after the next, isn't it? And that, my friend, is how you go from this...

Goodnight Moon

In the great green room
There was a telephone
And a red balloon
And a picture of -
The cow jumping over the moon
And there were three little bears sitting on chairs
And two little kittens
And a pair of mittens
And a little toy house
And a young mouse
And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush
And a quiet old lady whispering "hush"
Goodnight room - Goodnight moon
Goodnight cow jumping over the moon
Goodnight light - And the red balloon
Goodnight bears - Goodnight chairs
Goodnight kittens - And goodnight mittens
Goodnight clocks - And goodnight socks
Goodnight little house - And goodnight mouse
Goodnight comb - And goodnight brush
Goodnight nobody - Goodnight mush
And goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush"
Goodnight stars - Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere

To this...

Goodnight Room

In this child's old room
There was a telephone
And computer full of tunes
And a picture of -
He and friends at graduation that June
There were three little bears and other stories we'd share
I'd read books about kittens
And he'd cuddle up and listen
And a family's loving house
And a bed on which he'd bounce
And a comb and brush and dirty laundry untouched
And a tired old mother yelling to "hush"
Goodnight empty room - Goodnight moon
Goodnight childhood  - And years gone too soon
Goodnight laughter - And tunes in this room
Goodnight bears - And special moments we shared
Goodnight mittens - And stories of kittens
Goodnight clocks - And late night door knocks
Goodnight loving house - And bed on which he'd bounce
Goodnight comb - And goodnight brush
Goodnight nobody - And clean laundry untouched
And goodnight to the tired old mother longing to yell "hush"
Goodnight stars - Goodnight tears
Goodnight silence everywhere

...in the blink of an eye.

Namaste.

XO,
Carrie

Silence

I am an observer. I am a peace keeper. I’m a Libra, always needing to keep things balanced and feeling it deeply when they’re not. When Donald Trump was voted into office our country (and the world) experienced a frenzy that we’ve yet to recover from. For someone who desires to live her life from a place of fairness, balance, and love, the energy that I found myself surrounded by was more than I could handle. It was coming at me from everywhere! The media, my friends, my co-workers, my family. I was being made to feel that if I didn’t take a stand in one direction or another I was somehow part of the problem. Really? Is this true? Life can be tough for those of us who have the ability to live in the grey area. That place where you see both sides of the coin, good and bad. It’s rare that I see black or white in any given situation, which is a blessing and a curse. So I did what I’ve always done; retreat inward, observe, and then write.

Silence

You know nothing of my silence.

My silence does not breed hatred
My silence does not condone racism
My silence does not lay down with the bigot
My silence does not embrace homophobia
My silence does not imply complacency
My silence is not the route of all evil,
nor does it dance with the devil

You know nothing of my silence

My silence chooses peace when I am surrounded by chaos
My silence chooses sanity when there is little to be found
My silence chooses calm when your storm wants to consume me
My silence chooses time when I am pushed to act NOW
My silence chooses to observe rather than join in the dance of fear

You know nothing of my silence

Do NOT make assumptions when I am silent
Do NOT tell me my silence has no worth
Do NOT tell me my silence is the problem
Do NOT convince yourself you know what my silence holds

You know nothing of the ways in which
I am willing to step up that you may
never be a witness to

You are free to fight your battles however
your heart chooses, I will not judge your voice
But you know nothing of the battles I have
fought with my silence... and won

You know nothing of my silence

XO,
Carrie

Blank Page

I'm sure I've mentioned to you that when it comes to sharing my feelings, I've always preferred the written word over the spoken one. Writing allows for a certain clarity that only comes from being still enough to hear it. It allows me to access the truth needing to be shared in a way that speaking doesn't. My truth has the potential to get lost in the midst of a conversation. How many times have you thought you were totally clear on the message you wanted to convey when speaking to someone, only to walk away feeling like you didn't say it? Or wishing you'd been clearer on your point of view? When you have a conversation with someone you're engaging with their energy and emotion, and while that's one of the wonderful things about face to face communication, it can also be very distracting and frustrating, depending on the circumstances. The only distraction you need to contend with when writing is your own brain!

Last summer, while vacationing on Lake George with my family, it was a beautifully quiet morning. Half of the gang was out fishing and the other half were still sleeping when I started thinking about our stories, and wondering how much of our stories are of our own making and how much were written long before we came into existence. You know, those simple morning coffee thoughts that come out of nowhere. No? Not your typical morning coffee thoughts? Welcome to my world! So I grabbed a pen and some paper and thought I'd share what surfaced.

The Beauty of the Blank Page

When I see a blank page, I see opportunity. What is hiding deep down, waiting to be revealed? What am I carrying day in and day out that weighs me down, creates a sense of burden and affects my well being? What is the root of the negative thoughts that tend to push forward, each day with a bit more ease? The answers can be found in the blank page. The empty space invites. Pen in hand today's story emerges and little by little the truth is revealed. Past hurts. Core beliefs. The monumental differences between you and the world.

The noise. The chaos. The fear. The doubt. The pain. How much of it belongs to you and how much of it was planted in your DNA centuries ago? The suffering of your ancestors carried down through time and passed on to you, your children, your grandchildren.

It's not your fault. Do you hear me? IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Nor is it your duty or your obligation to pass the torch of suffering on. Your duty is to find the light that makes you shine and BE THAT! The world does not need the pain of your ancestors to remain alive, what it needs is their joy. The joy, the delight, the unconditional love that was planted with the first seed of existence. This is your obligation. Bring this forward to the future generations and gracefully, gratefully, let the rest disintegrate. Let the divine forces of nature that live within and all around you bring cleansing as often as is needed to make the shift. Let the pen and blank page bring you back to yourself, again, and again, and again.

And just like that the page is full, and the soul is free.

XO,
Carrie

What If?

I've been dealing with some unresolved health issues for a few years now. Last week I met with a wonderful nutritionist who specializes in functional medicine. If you're not familiar with functional medicine the simple explanation is that it deals with the whole picture of health, not just a diagnosis of your physical symptoms and the sole solution being found in the writing of a prescription. I'm not doing it justice, I'm sure, with this explanation but hey, it's 2019, you can google it! During our conversation she wanted me to go through my history from early childhood right up to today, as best I could, in order to give her an idea of my story and how it has influenced my health. It was a fascinating (and not so easy) endeavor which helped to shed some light on how every piece of our past influences our present. It doesn't have to dictate, but you can't get around the fact that it absolutely influences.

What if you could forget everything you've learned about fear through the years and had the ability to start over, fear free? Would you want to? And if you did, how on earth would you even begin to push that reset button? I'm sure you've heard that saying, "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" or something like that. I hear that and I can't help but chuckle. I understand it's a valid question and has likely helped a lot of people to begin the process of change, but come on! Is that really a relevant question for someone who lives their life from a place of fear?

Do they mean what would I do if I didn't have to fight for my life as a very young child due to severe asthma which set the tone for my immune system to live in fight or flight mode from a very young age? What would I do if I didn't have those breathing issues that led to years of bronchitis with just about every sniffle that found it's way to me and hospitalization for pneumonia just as my teen years were beginning? What would I do if I wasn't the youngest of seven children who fought to find her place in a large family day in and day out? What would I do if I didn't grow up in a family that passed down the unhealthy belief that food and a cocktail or two (or three) had the power to comfort and cure whatever ails you? Let me stop here and clarify something before going on. I have been absolutely blessed throughout my entire life to be part of the most loving, caring, nurturing family possible. I am grateful every day for them. That doesn't mean that we didn't struggle with our dysfunctions just like any other family.

What would I do if I didn't marry and begin a family before I truly knew how to care for myself, let alone be a mother and a wife? What would I do if I didn't spend most of my life fearing for all of my children and the ways in which the world could potentially gobble them up? What would I do if our family (and my stomach) didn't spend years in turmoil trying to navigate our way through my son's drug addiction? Or what would I do if I didn't spend most of my life worrying profusely about others and their pain?

Okay, I think you get my point. It's kind of a foolish question in my book, my stomach is in knots just writing this! When you think about your life story are you surprised that it has brought you to where you are today? Or does it make perfect sense that you would be here? For those of us who've spent a good part of their life in fight or flight mode, all of that fighting settles deeply into your cells and brings your body, your mind, and sadly, your spirit to a place where it becomes fearful to trust. Fearful of being harmed, by the environment, by people, by circumstance, by food, you name it.

So, what if you could forget everything you've learned about fear and start fresh? Where would you begin? We do have a choice. As much as the question annoys me, that is the underlying truth. We DO have a choice. I'm 58 years old and I'm beginning to understand the meaning behind the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Old habits aren't easy to break. They become our comfort and our sense of control but I also understand that it's up to me. Who do you want to be now? Who ARE you now? I pretty much began my journey on this earth fighting and fearful but the good news is I don't have to go out the way I came in!

What if...?

XO,
Carrie