Survival

I was at the book store this past weekend having coffee with my sisters and on my way in to the restroom there was a rack that held a few different free magazines. One that caught my eye was called Natural Nutmeg so I picked it up and brought it home. I was reading it the other night and was so incredibly moved by one of the articles that I wanted to talk a little bit about it today. As I started to write I quickly realized that taking various quotes from the article to share was not going to accurately convey the power of what was being said so I've decided to share the entire article. It's a bit lengthy so you might want to read this when you have some free time to ponder it's message. I think it's a vitally important one and maybe another day this week we can talk about that message.

Let me just say that my take on this article is that it is not intended soley for people who are dealing with a diagnosis of disease. I believe it's message is intended for each and every one of us who must choose how to deal with life and our own individual journeys. Anything written in a parenthesis is my thought.

SECRETS OF SURVIVAL by Bernie Siegel, MD

Most medical school applications of today state that the candidate for admission is interested in and fascinated by the human body. The problem is that often, physicians have been given medical information, but not a true medical education. An education teaches you how to deal with and care for the human experience of illness and not just treat the diagnosis. A medical education would also teach the skill of communication so that we do not kill with our words, but heal with them just as we heal with a scalpel and do not wound with it.

What I have found is that information does not change people. The obese, alcoholics, smokers, and nonconforming patients all know their behavior is not good for them. So why do they do it? It gets back to the lack of messages of love for the individual from parents, teachers, clergy and other authority figures. Ugly ducklings rarely find out on their own that they are swans. In one study a loved child had one fourth the illness rate of an unloved child by middle age (how powerful a statement is that?). I see pet owners who have lung cancer or asthma smoke outdoors to save their beloved pets. Killing yourself is not questioned. Nine hundred years ago Maimonides stated, "People would suffer fewer illnesses if they took as good care of themselves as they do their animals." Times haven't changed.

I have found that approximately 20% of patients are what I call respants: responsible participants who display and are interested in learning survival behavior. What I do for the other 80% is love them and give them return appointments no matter what they do. With time and love some begin to care for themselves. Then the information I present to them is utilized to achieve better health and survival statistics.

I can't sell them the idea of being a respant or cite better statistics because they aren't interested in working at living. They have grown up hearing there is something wrong with them. So guilt, shame and blame are what they are dealing with and if you ask them to fight for their lives it is one more thing they won't get right. Sad but true. I often ask people to answer questions, join support groups and draw pictures of themselves, their treatment and disease. That eliminates many patients because they are not artists - could do it wrong or don't want to work at surviving.

If I can inspire them and breathe life into them, then changes will occur. Now they are waking up to life and what makes them happy. This is not about self interest but paying attention to their bodies and what feels good for them to do. I help people reclaim their lives and be reborn so every cell in their body is given a message about the joys of life each day. Have I seen people expected to die in months cured of their disease by living this way? Yes. Do I recommend it as the sole treatment? No, because I know how hard it is to 'live in your heart and have magic happen' and 'leave all your troubles to God.'

I do, however, point out the benefits of love to the individual and those they are in contact with. When people are unwilling to do this I let their families know that they need to take care of themselves too. Why? Because there is something called Siegel's Sign in physical diagnosis. When a family walks into my office and everyone looks sick except one person, you can be sure the one who looks well is the one with the illness and is using it to manipulate everyone else in the family. I always guarantee them a cure on their next visit. They never come back to that office again and always arrange future meetings in the ER or other safe places where a cure is not available.

What do respants do that represents survival behavior? They take action, seek wisdom, perform meditation and imagery and have spiritual support. Spiritual support may come from a religion but some religions have regulations that create guilt and lead to feelings that one deserves God's punishment. Disease is no different than when one loses one's car keys. You don't say God wants you to walk home; you look for your keys. When you are ill you have lost your health and respants look for it to be restored.

They live a life with meaning, express their feelings and appropriate anger, ask for help when it is needed, learn to say no to things they do not want to do, make their own decisions about treatment, bring play into their lives, deal with feelings of depression and learn from them and they live an authentic life.

In essence life becomes a labor pain in which we birth ourselves and because we are making the choices the delivery has less pain, complications and side effects.

About thirty years ago I met Susan Duffy who had developed scleroderma and was not given much time to live. She was an enraged lady over her illness and her difficult life. Her parents and sister were alcoholics who committed suicide and were angry at her for not doing so. When I met her all I could do was listen and it turned out to be what Helen Keller advises since 'deafness is darker by far than blindness.' When she emptied out her rage in 1987 she wrote me a letter telling me that she had let love into her prison and it had touched every negative item in it and transformed them into something meaningful. She is alive today and a member of our support group and one of my teachers. I will present her list for survivors at the end of this article.

We each need to find our path and way to healing. The messages are age old and can be found in the literature of great spiritual leaders, the US Marines training manual, the writings of children with cancer and others. Two things are key elements. One is the inspiration I discuss, and the other is one's behavior. Just as multiple personalities disassociate so one must disassociate with the old self and BEHAVE as if you were the person you want to be. You rehearse and practice and find the coaches to help guide you. That is the role I see myself in today: a coach for the inspired respant who wants to learn survival behavior. How will you know one when you meet them? Ask them these questions:

1. I am taking you to dinner what do you want?
2. How would you introduce yourself to God?
3. What should I hang in the lobby of a public building with a sign above it that says, come and see how beautiful and meaningful life is?
(Take a minute to answer those questions for yourself before going on)

The correct answers are:
1. Any response within 15-20 seconds demonstrating they are in touch with their feelings and not thinking about fat content, cost, or what you want.
2. The introduction is that you and God don't need an introduction. You are a child of God.
3. And last (this is my favorite answer and the one that blew me away), you hang up not a picture of a baby, rainbow or flower, but a mirror.

Now let me close with a list from Susan Duffy:

SECRETS OF LIVING FOR SURVIVORS

Trust yourself enough to become your own teacher
Cultivate your own sense of being and spirituality
Trust in your own instincts, intuitions and leadings
Learn to flow with your own ideas concerning searching and seeking answers
Choose to have faith in yourself and your place in life
Discipline yourself to love the positive more than the negative (This one is HUGE)
Let go of everything that you can't change
Change yourself through self-acceptance and love; then what happens around you won't matter
Learn to forgive the unforgivable - you will become free
Forgive God, others and yourself
Allow yourself to feel anger, pain, joy and sadness
Express your feelings and don't feel so alone
Realize that everything changes
Look to other people for guidance and inspiration but not answers
Other people don't have all the answers, they are learning too
Nothing so bad ever happened to you that didn't happen to someone else
No one is unique we all suffer the same joys and pains of life
Our problems may come in different shapes and sizes but the solutions are the same
Embrace life and it will hug you back
Don't have a need to control
Allow the order of things to take place
Enjoy the peace, knowing someone bigger and stronger is in charge
Don't make too many schedules - you will go crazy
You can't fix everything

xo,
Carrie

Stories

I came across something I had written while away on retreat in 2005. We were asked to come with something special, a treasure if you will, to circle time that night. Something that was all ours to share so I shared what was my story up until that point in my life. One of the benefits of writing is being able to go back and read your story, see where it ended and see where it's gone since that ending. That's why writing is a treasure to me.

I ran into a good friend at CVS yesterday who reads my blogs and she said, "Carrie, don't ever apologize for not writing your blog. These blogs are a gift to us and you don't need to apologize for not giving us a gift!" It made me feel better about the days that I've missed. Please know that my being able to share my deepest thoughts with you is a gift for me.


A gentle soul, a compassionate heart
Are gifts God gave me right from the start
Strength to live when I couldn't breathe
A Mom who loved me enough to leave

Hopped a plane down south to give my lungs a rest
Only a slight memory of that war in my chest
A lingering fear when cold season draws near
A blessing from above, no asthma attacks in years

First day of kindergarten, shoes shiny and new
Special school dress with flowers of red and blue
Waving goodbye to Dad who held the video cam
Mom choking back tears as we walked hand in hand

Arriving at school on my own now, grade two
Sitting down on the steps to remove my snow boots
An unexpected pool of tears as I sat alone
Boots back on my feet, I ran all the way home

When I opened the door my mom looked confused
"Did that mean girl Denise throw a snowball at you?"
"No Mom, without warning, I just missed you too much."
No schoolwork that day, just a mother's loving touch

Dance lessons in tutus that made me feel fat
Always feeling awkward in that damn ballet class
Fish sticks and fries every friday night for a treat
Doesn't make for a ballerina who's light on her feet

As the youngest of seven I think I grew up too fast
Always wanting what they had, I hated being last
I tried to be like them and all of a sudden, I was
I of course wish now I hadn't been in such a rush

By age fifteen I'd left my innocence behind me
Oh so certain true love had come to find me
Just one of those moments I would take back in time
If reliving the past was a magical power of mine

But for every moment I'd want to take back
There's countless others that I want to last
Forever untouched or changed by time
Lord, how I hope they don't get lost in my mind

Some of the ones I hope I'll never forget;
My mom and dad dancing to Tony Bennett
The everpresent sound of piano playing and song
My fear of thunderstorms drowned by a family sing along

Dads accordian playing at Christmas time
Moms pot roast and mashed potatoes on which we'd dine
The smell of swedish meatballs and cabbage soup
Did it's job well, no need to call for the troops

One by one in the kitchen we'd appear
All were wondering if dinner time was near
Up on kitchen counters, cross legged on the floor
We'd wait, we'd laugh, we'd sit and talk and laugh some more

If I could go back in time to just one place
It would be my mother's kitchen to see the smile on her face
I've never felt so much love as that kitchen had
Pouring through my mom surrounded by her kids and my dad

Oh sure, there was anger and teardrops and fights
Sometimes cocktail hour would last well into the night
Cigarettes and cigars would overflow the ashtrays
Sometimes on those nights, I'd wish I was far away

But the love always lasted well beyond those nights
I have to dig deep to even remember a fight
Although the one when sister punched brother, I do recall
She was fulfilling the secretly hidden desire of us all

Poor brother sometimes thought his shit didn't stink
And that noone would challenge his desire to be "King"
But sister's quiet demeanor could only be pushed so far
He didn't see it coming, but I'm sure he saw stars

I met my true love when I was just shy of sixteen
Cutest guy at the party and lo and behold, he was free
He wrote down my number in the mist on his car
As I was thinking, "Oh yeah...this will go far!"

If I knew then what love needs to endure
I'd have run in the opposite direction, I'm sure
But with twenty eight years and three beautiful sons
I'm nothing but grateful for what that night had begun

As mother of three boys, there's no end to the lessons
Though I admit sometimes it's hard to hear their confessions
Yet I wouldn't trade their trust that I love them enough
To be able to bare their souls when life gets too tough

I'm still working on freeing more of the real me
The adventurous spirit, musician and writer that I long to be
Slowly but surely it's finding its way
Through the strength and new perspective coming every day

The stories of my past have brought me to this place
The love of family and friends, and Gods amazing grace
A desire to learn and move and grow
And the incredible power found in letting go

So you ask what treasure I'd like to share tonight
It's the same I try to share every day of my life
A gentle soul, a compassionate heart, the love this world needs
An attempt at God's healing light shining through me


xo,
Carrie

Slacker!

I can't believe it's Friday! So this is what happens when I give myself an inch...oy vey! I'm so sorry if you've come to check in this week and found nothing. I am vowing to myself to do more next week. Something about this beautiful weather has kept my thoughts on other things.

Have a wonderful weekend and see you on Monday!

xo,
Carrie

St. Patricks Day

Dear Mom,

Boy oh boy, I'm not sure if it's the time change or the dreary weather but I have been trying to figure out why I feel so low today. I keep thinking about you and wondering when I'll be able to do that without this heavy sadness accompanying the thoughts. People say it gets easier with time. My question then would be, how much time? It's coming up on five months now and some days it feels like it's getting harder. The more time that goes by without being able to see you or talk to you makes me feel like I miss you even more.

No, I wasn't sure what was bringing on the tears today. I thought maybe because the first purple crocus has popped it's head in the back yard and I know how excited you would be to see it could be the reason. Or it could be all of the buds on the pear tree in the front yard that are hinting at it's imminent blossoming. Knowing how much you loved that tree in full bloom could be to blame, but I don't think that's it.

Two more days until St. Patrick's Day and my "So proud to be Irish" mother is not here to celebrate with. I'm having flashbacks of you and Nan in the kitchen wearing the green plastic hats, holding the green plastic shillelaghs wearing the green and white Hawaiin leis (not sure how those ended up being part of the outfit other than the green!), smiling and singing away. The smell of corned beef and cabbage permeated the air and there was no shortage of Irish Whiskey flowing into those short plastic cups. You know, the cups that were responsible for Nan's famous saying, "Can you fix me another short one hon?".

Of course a visit from our Irish neighbor across the street was always part of the routine on St. Patrick's Day. Listening to his thick Irish brogue was always intriguing to me and watching him try to navigate his way back home on foot after the celebration had ended was always the highlight of the evening! Oh such wonderful memories of celebrations passed. I know that the Swedish side that Dad passed down to us always got alot of attention what with the bakery and all and I know you were proud of that too, but St. Patrick's Day was one day out of the year that the yellow and blue took a back seat to the green. On that day you got to claim your heritage and you sure did it with gusto!

I don't know that I will be celebrating on Wednesday with as much gusto as you did but you'll be happy to know that I will be meeting some people you loved very much bright and early on Wednesday morning for an Irish breakfast at an Irish Pub and I will be wearing green proudly in honor of you my love. Give Nan and Junie and Frank and all of your Irish cohorts up in heaven my love and know how very much I miss you. In the meantime, this one's for you Mommy...

"There's a tear in your eye,
And I'm wondering why,
For it never should be there at all.
With such pow'r in your smile,
Sure a stone you'd beguile,
So there's never a teardrop should fall.
When your sweet lilting laughter's
Like some fairy song,
And your eyes twinkle bright as can be;
You should laugh all the while
And all other times smile,
And now, smile a smile for me.

When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, 'tis like the morn in spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing.
When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay
And when Irish eyes are smiling
Sure, they steal your heart away.

For your smile is a part
Of the love in your heart,
And it makes even sunshine more bright.
Like the linnet's sweet song,
Crooning all the day long,
Comes your laughter and light.
For the springtime of life
Is the sweetest of all
There is ne'er a real care or regret;
And while springtime is ours
Throughout all of youth's hours
Let us smile each chance we get.

When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, 'tis like the morn in spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing.
When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay
And when Irish eyes are smiling
Sure, they steal your heart away."

xo,
Carrie

Trying

My niece and I used to make some beautiful greeting cards. I was the voice, she was the artwork and together we made an awesome team. I truly believe that we made a unique product that made people feel good and I don't think I'm alone in that belief. Then life changed and it became more difficult for us to connect, so subsequently the card making came to a halt and the cards we had created have been sitting untouched for quite some time.

I've wanted to attempt to make cards on my own but have had no clue where to begin, or confidence that I could accomplish anything close to what we accomplished together. I am NOT an artist by any means and that has kept me from trying, despite the fact that it's been a yearning of mine ever since we stopped working together. Then, this morning at about 3:00 a.m., a thought came to me, and that was this - The point is not to RE-create something, the point is to create something. How can I know what I am capable of if I never give it a shot? So at 7:30 this morning I was at my kitchen table creating and it felt good. It felt really good and that's when I realized that maybe the joy isn't in the finished product, maybe it's in the creating itself! Maybe the joy is in the attempt, regardless of the outcome. Perhaps the joy is in conquering the fear and nothing else.

For what it's worth, my twelve year old came home from school today and said, "Mom, did you make that?" and when I said yes his response was, "That's wicked good! Can you make money off of it?" Typical twelve year old!

So here is my quote of the day - "There is no greater feeling than the moment in which you discover that you can do something that you have previously believed you could not." CMK

How many times has your fear robbed you of that feeling? I know for me it's been too many to count. Is there something your fear has been convincing you to put off or forget about all together? I think spring is the perfect time to start taking a few chances. I think now is a good time to take a few risks in an attempt to nurture that feeling, don't you? Time to take off those training wheels and soar down the street without anyone holding on to the bike but you. I'll try if you will.

xo,
Carrie

Entries

I'm not sure what's happening but sitting down to write is starting to feel like a struggle some days. Writing is very much about giving myself an outlet to deal with my mother's passing and while I was a writer long before I lost her and hopefully will continue to be until I can no longer hold a pen, I think the fact that I no longer feel the need to run to my journal as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning is a good thing. I'm choosing to look at my diminishing entries as a positive sign.

Writing honestly is a must for me and when I feel like the words are forced, I'm never happy with what ends up on paper. I can't feel rushed or distracted when I write and we're coming into a time of year where there is much to be accomplished! Taxes, cleaning out of basements, garages, sheds or attics to see if a springtime tag sale is in order, window cleaning, painting, sorting through clothes, etc.. Getting out to exercise becomes more of a priority when the temps warm up a bit because the reality that the body I've been hiding in long pants and sweaters all winter long will soon be in shorts and t-shirts (and the B word that I can't even bring myself to say) starts setting in. I think being sick for over a week is also leaving me feeling like I need to play catch up on all the things that got put on hold last week.

The point here is that when I'm feeling called to do other things, it's hard for me to give myself permission to spend the time necessary to write something I feel comfortable sharing. I know it may not seem it but there have been days when writing this blog has taken me all morning long. Some days the words flow freely and others they just don't. For instance, Mom's birthday was on Sunday and I wanted to write about it yesterday. When I sat down to write this is what came...

Dear Mom,

Well, we made it through your birthday on Sunday. I'm sure you saw all of us gathered at church on Saturday for a mass in your honor that Auntie A. had arranged. It was very hard for me to be there in the same church where your funeral was held. Quite honestly, I don't think I've been to church since your passing because of that reason. Church is one of the places where I really feel you and while I hope in time to find it a place of comfort where I can feel connected to you, right now it's just too hard.

...and then it just stopped. Other thoughts started creeping in like the bills, the client I needed to pick up from the hospital at 11:30 and the client I needed to bring grocery shopping at 1:00 and the fact that I hadn't showered or walked yet. Once that happens, it's hard to get back to the writing.

I've really come to value my relationship with you and I appreciate so much your desire to share in my thoughts. The fact that you take the time to come and see what I have to say on any given day means the world to me and I promise, I won't altogether disappear on you but I guess we both need to accept that in an attempt to give you the best of me, there will be lulls in the entries from time to time.

I hope that the sunshine and the warming temperatures are stirring in you the same desire they are in me - to get up, get moving and start living life again. Happy (almost) spring!!

xo,
Carrie

Antibiotics

For the first time in a long time, I'm taking antibiotics, seeing as this sinus infection is not going away and it's something I don't want to mess around with. I try very hard to avoid taking antibiotics if possible. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that they exist when you need them to kill off bad bacteria, it's just the killing off of the good bacteria and the resistane that over use produces that makes them undesirable for me, unless they are absolutely necessary. I started them yesterday and my body is already letting me know it's not happy. Here's a little glimpse into what's started going on -

Stomach - "Grrrrr, grrrrr, growl, growl, gurgle."

Head - "Oh stomach, you're such a drama queen! Knock it off and give her a break!"

Stomach - "Hey, I gave her a break for alot of years when she was putting lots of stuff in me that I didn't care for but YOU kept telling her she wanted! Now it's all about me baby."

Head - "Uh, hello! It's not like she has a choice here, she has an infection and I'm the one with the brain in it that we don't want to mess with."

Stomach - (Mocking head) "Uh, hello! Don't you read? The digestive system pretty much has a brain of it's own!"

Head - "You're such a jerk! Why do you have to be like that?"

Stomach - "That's just how I roll."

Head - "Can't we all just get along?"

Stomach - "Grrrrr, grrrrr, growl, growl, gurgle - BURP!"

Head - "Oh, now that's just rude!!"

Stomach - "Shut up!"

Head - "No - YOU shut up!"

Oy, it's going to be a long ten days.

xo,
Carrie

Pay attention

Seems I'm always talking about my blessings. Usually when I speak of them, I'm referring to the big ones in my life like love, or friendship, or family, etc.. This week I've been the sickest I've been in quite some time with what appears to be a sinus infection and it's made me think about the blessings that I take for granted every day, like taste buds or a sense of smell! Imagine going through life never being able to taste or smell again. How much joy do those two things bring to your life?

I saw Roger Ebert, the film critic, on Oprah the other day. He lost the bottom half of his jaw to cancer and can no longer eat or speak. He gets nourishment through an IV bag and speaks through a computer. He will never taste food or utter a single word again. When Oprah asked him if he could remember what the last words he spoke were, he (his computer) answered, "I don't really recall, because I didn't know they would be my last words, but perhaps I told my wife I loved her. At least I hope my last words were I love you.".

As you go through your day today, from the time you open your eyes, until the time you lay your head on your pillow to close them again, pay attention. Pay attention to all of the blessings that we don't give much thought to. The blessings that seem small, but were they taken away, would be life altering. And pay attention to your words. What would you want your words to be if you knew they would be your last? Maybe more importantly, what wouldn't you want them to be?

I'm recalling my Mom's last words to me. It was my turn to keep watch during the night shift at the hospital when she woke up looking for her water. I went to help her put the straw to her mouth and she said, "Is that my Carrie?" I said, "Yeah Mom, I'm right here." She said, "Oh, what a good girlie you are." She took a few sips of her water, went to sleep, and from that point on I didn't hear her speak again. How's that for a blessing? She could have said anything, like, "You're not holding the straw close enough" or "It needs more ice" (I laugh as I read that because those were words we heard alot those last days in the hospital! My Mom was an ice freak.), but it's so typical of her that those were the words she left me with.

Blessings big, blessings small...pay attention, because you don't know when they'll be gone.

xo,
Carrie

Aging

I feel very blessed that I have been able to work with the sick and the elderly. It's given me a perspective on life that didn't exist before I started this job. When you see how some people suffer day in and day out, you can't help but feel grateful. When you see what potentially waits for you down the road, you understand how important a grateful heart is.

Over the past year and a half I have experienced some very powerful moments with my clients, the most recent being just the other day. I was helping a client who's been very ill get dressed for a doctor appointment. This was a very long process as she was incredibly weak and had to stop to rest every 30 seconds or so. This particular client is a very tough, very headstrong, stubborn (need I go on?) individual so it's not easy for her to be in situations where she feels vulnerable. Unfortunately, illness and disease leave you quite vulnerable and dependent, something that's not easy for many people. I've learned that one of the hardest things for elderly or chronically ill people to accept is the guilt that comes with feeling you're a burden.

This client suffers from the same disease (and all of the complications that go hand in hand with it) that has taken the life of her mother and two of her brothers at an age that she is fast approaching. She has two sisters, one of whom almost lost her battle twice this past year with the same disease, and a brother left. They don't live locally so she's left to face this battle without the aid of family. Anyway, we were about half way through the task at hand when she got very still, stared off into space and started talking in a tone that you would expect someone who's very ill to talk in. I had to strain to hear her words...

"The leaning tree isn't always the first to fall. My sisters and I been talkin' 'bout who we think is gonna be the next to go. We all thought it would be _____ (her sister) but I think it's gonna be me."

Her eyes were now filled with tears. "I had a dream the other night but I'm thinkin' it was more of a premonition. I was lyin' in the bed and when I looked up I saw a dark figure all dressed in black. Couldn't see no face cuz it had a dark hood over it's head. I tried talkin' but nothin' came out and then a hand grabbed my foot, started pullin' me out the bed. I tried gettin' away but it had me, it had me real good. It felt so real, you understand? Like somethin' pullin' me to my death."

My eyes were now filled with tears. "I don't know what I done in my life to deserve all this sickness but I really think my time's comin' next. I can just feel it."

When I first started working with her, she let me know in no uncertain terms that she was not a "touchy, feely" type of person, "You white peoples are always huggin' on one another. Just give me a pat on the back or somethin' and that'll do." But on this day, a day when I could find no words, I hugged her and she welcomed it.

My job is a blessing. It offers me a glimpse into the future, a warning that I'd be foolish not to heed. It is inevitable that one day, I too will be old, and perhaps plagued by disease. When that day comes I will pray that I've sown the seeds of goodness and love in my life so they will be there for me to call on when they're needed most.

xo,
Carrie

Cold

Sorry folks, this cold is kicking my butt today. Think I need to see what tomorrow brings. Thanks for your understanding.

xo,
Carrie

P.S. At least this time I have the GOOD kleenex! :-)

Restless

I'm not sure if it's the sun attempting to break through the clouds, or having entered the final countdown of winter, but man do I feel restless this morning! Restless like I want to get up and go somewhere. Any place that has NO sense of familiarity to it and everything feels new. A place where all of my senses would be commanded to be on alert because of that newness. New sights, new sounds, new smells, new architecture, new people that have no clue who I am or what I'm all about. A place where I wouldn't have the ability to close my eyes and still find my way from one destination to the next because I've been taking the same route my whole life long. Maybe I'd even allow myself to get lost! Getting lost is one of my hidden fears, so I avoid going places by myself where this is a possibility.

My cousin's daughter just did some traveling to various places around the country all by herself. Just her, her Civic Hybrid, her courage and her desire to connect with family and friends. God, how I admire that! A while ago my friend's daughter, who was in her twenties, traveled to Italy alone. I remember being in total awe of her when she did that. I can't fathom the idea of traveling all that way alone. I don't know if it stems from being the baby of seven children, but if it's one thing I wouldn't call myself, it's independent.

I don't know, maybe it's coming from the movie I watched yesterday called The September Issue. It was a documentary on Anna Wintour, the editor in chief at Vogue magazine. It painted a wonderful picture of what life is like in the fashion world. While it showcased some of the down sides, like the discouragement one feels when their creative vision is thrown to the curb, or the exaustion that comes with trying to meet deadlines, or the fierce competition that's out there among designers, what I took away from the movie is that the fashion industry is a fun, exciting, fast paced, delicious world to be in. Imagine...Rome, Paris and London all being in your job description. Not to mention the clothes!! And the shoes...UGH, let's not even go there.

That's the life I wish I was waking up to this morning (and I wouldn't need to worry about getting lost because I'd have a driver!). All I can say is it's a good thing I don't own a Nordstrom's credit card or my debt would have sky rocketed today.

Back to reality (sigh), time to go tackle the mound of dishes waiting for me in the sink. Then it's shower time, off to comfort a client who I have a feeling might be hospitalized today, back home to pick up kids, dinner and then bed.

No, I can't imagine what's causing this restlessness. All I can say is I really hope the sun wins it's battle with the clouds today.

xo,
Carrie