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I'm not sure what's happening but sitting down to write is starting to feel like a struggle some days. Writing is very much about giving myself an outlet to deal with my mother's passing and while I was a writer long before I lost her and hopefully will continue to be until I can no longer hold a pen, I think the fact that I no longer feel the need to run to my journal as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning is a good thing. I'm choosing to look at my diminishing entries as a positive sign.

Writing honestly is a must for me and when I feel like the words are forced, I'm never happy with what ends up on paper. I can't feel rushed or distracted when I write and we're coming into a time of year where there is much to be accomplished! Taxes, cleaning out of basements, garages, sheds or attics to see if a springtime tag sale is in order, window cleaning, painting, sorting through clothes, etc.. Getting out to exercise becomes more of a priority when the temps warm up a bit because the reality that the body I've been hiding in long pants and sweaters all winter long will soon be in shorts and t-shirts (and the B word that I can't even bring myself to say) starts setting in. I think being sick for over a week is also leaving me feeling like I need to play catch up on all the things that got put on hold last week.

The point here is that when I'm feeling called to do other things, it's hard for me to give myself permission to spend the time necessary to write something I feel comfortable sharing. I know it may not seem it but there have been days when writing this blog has taken me all morning long. Some days the words flow freely and others they just don't. For instance, Mom's birthday was on Sunday and I wanted to write about it yesterday. When I sat down to write this is what came...

Dear Mom,

Well, we made it through your birthday on Sunday. I'm sure you saw all of us gathered at church on Saturday for a mass in your honor that Auntie A. had arranged. It was very hard for me to be there in the same church where your funeral was held. Quite honestly, I don't think I've been to church since your passing because of that reason. Church is one of the places where I really feel you and while I hope in time to find it a place of comfort where I can feel connected to you, right now it's just too hard.

...and then it just stopped. Other thoughts started creeping in like the bills, the client I needed to pick up from the hospital at 11:30 and the client I needed to bring grocery shopping at 1:00 and the fact that I hadn't showered or walked yet. Once that happens, it's hard to get back to the writing.

I've really come to value my relationship with you and I appreciate so much your desire to share in my thoughts. The fact that you take the time to come and see what I have to say on any given day means the world to me and I promise, I won't altogether disappear on you but I guess we both need to accept that in an attempt to give you the best of me, there will be lulls in the entries from time to time.

I hope that the sunshine and the warming temperatures are stirring in you the same desire they are in me - to get up, get moving and start living life again. Happy (almost) spring!!

xo,
Carrie