One Beat

If you could give one beat of your life to someone, who would it be?

When I first read this question, I was moved to tears. Pretty powerful question, no? Of course my initial answer was Mom. When I first started writing this blog, I shared with you how I struggled after she passed with the fact that I never asked her if she was sure when she said she was ready to die. She said, "Oh Carrie, I just want to go now." and requested no machines and no more fluids, but was she sure? She seemed ready, but I never thought to ask her if she was sure. This haunted me for months after she died. I feared, as she lay there, eyes closed, no longer able to talk to us, but looking like she was trying, that she had changed her mind and wanted to stay. What if her brain was screaming, "NO! I'm not ready, I want to stay and try the chemo. I don't want to do this any more." and she was just too weak to be able to move her mouth and tell us? What if she wanted the machines? What if she wanted the IV back in her arm? What if she wasn't sure? DAMN IT! Why didn't I ask her? I should have asked. If I could give one beat of my life to my mother, I could have the answer to my question.

The reality is, I know deep in my heart that giving one more beat to my mom would not have changed anything. The cancer was there, and it was not going anywhere. After thinking about it long and hard, I realized I would not give the beat to her. The outcome would have been the same.

One beat. One. That's a pretty quick moment in time. It will only matter to the person who is in need of that one beat. The heart attack victim who will be revived with one more beat. The accident victim who sees that car coming and needs one more beat to react differently. The still born baby who could have survived with one more beat. The drowning victim who could have grabbed one more breath or the suicide victim who could have contemplated life's worth with one more second. These are the people I would give one beat of my life to. The ones who truly could have used it to possibly change the outcome.

We most likely will never be in a situation where our one beat can save someone in the moment of their death but we give beats of ourselves every day, in so many ways. Who in the living world needs your beat desperately? Who can you help with the beats of your love, your kindness, your knowledge, your aliveness? Do you only give it to the ones you feel are deserving of it or do you selflessly give it away? One beat may not even be noticed by us, but to a person in need, it could make all the difference.

"I'll carry your heartbeat in mine."

xo,
Carrie

Questions

I was away on my annual retreat last weekend and usually, before I return, I'm inspired to write something. Whether poetry or prose, being on the grounds of the Mercy Center tends to bring me to that deep place where all the juicy stuff resides! This year, I wasn't feeling well and because of that, I felt like I didn't really have the energy to go there. I loved being with the other women, as I always do, but my brain just wouldn't allow me to go there.

I've been doing these retreats long enough to know not to fight anything about the experience. You know that popular saying, "It is what it is"? That's my complete truth when I'm at Mercy Center. No shoulds, no expectations. Just what is, moment by moment. So I came home thinking that I wouldn't have much to share with you about the weekend, and that was okay.

While there, one of the women purchased a book called "A Book of Questions". That's exactly what it was. A book/journal, filled with many profound questions. After looking through it, I decided that I would write down the questions that really spoke to me, deducing that the ones that didn't, must already be resolved within myself. Life has already answered those questions for me. In looking at the questions now, some of these are pretty deep. In answering these, I will need to go to that place where the juicy stuff lives. So even though I gave myself a pass for the weekend, I can see that my soul was still paying attention, "Rest if you must Carrie, but don't think you're off the hook!". Yes! Lots of good material for my blog.

So my hope is that as I periodically share a question and my answer with you, you will allow yourself to go to that place as well. I want you to share in this journey with me, and ask yourself the questions that speak to you. It's amazing what a simple question can foster. In this world where we can google the answer to just about any question we can think of, it's nice to give ourselves the opportunity to go to that place where no one else can, and find our own answers. They're always there, just waiting to be discovered.

xo,
Carrie