Friends of ours discovered this past week that their dog had bone cancer. They suspected this might be the case when the exact same symptoms showed up in this Rottweiler that had in a previous one they owned when he was diagnosed with it. Though they had their suspicions, they were hopeful that the trip to the vet that afternoon would reveal something non life threatening. Arthritis perhaps, or a sprained leg. It wasn't to be the case.
Having witnessed what their last dog had endured with this particular diagnosis, they knew what they must do. As heart wrenching a decision as it was, they knew they didn't want him to suffer, and he was already showing signs of discomfort. They made an appointment for a few days out, needing that time to try and digest what was happening. When the day came, somehow they managed to carry through with their decision and less than a week after the diagnosis, he was laid to rest.
If you've ever had to make this decision for a beloved pet, then you understand the almost unbearable heaviness that accompanies it. My husband and I had to once, and it's an experience we'll never forget. I've always joked that my husband has enough testosterone for ten men (or more!). He works in the trades and has a very physical job. He hunts, he fishes, he works on cars, on boats, he spends eight hours climbing to the top of a mountain for fun. He'd wear a cowboy hat if he lived in Montana like he wishes he did. Luckily, he doesn't engage in the nasty habit of chewing tobacco. That would be a deal breaker for sure! My point is, he doesn't cry easily. But the day we brought our Golden Retriever to be put down, he couldn't hold back the tears. How could he? This was his baby.
My sister in laws cat passed away recently. She'd had this cat for about twenty years. She had a bond with her cat that only the two of them understood. Her cat was there when her attacker shot her and left her for dead. Her cat was there, every day and night, laying by her side as she went through the agony of healing and it was there, giving her love, as she attempted to figure out how to move forward in her life as a paraplegic. Only her cat shared in that traumatic experience with her and no one understood like her Cocoa.
Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to being a pet owner when the inevitable outcome will be to one day bury them? Isn't life filled with enough loss? Don't we humans experience enough painful goodbyes without setting ourselves up for more? Well, if you've ever had a four legged family member, I need not go any further. You just know.
To my friends who are hurting, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone in your pain. When your hearts begin to heal and the hurting starts to subside, all the things that made your pup so special to you will remain.
xo,
Carrie
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Disappearing
I don't live a very exciting life. We don't do a lot of traveling and I definitely don't have a very adventurous spirit so there's not a lot of those types of experiences for me to share with you. You won't be reading about me jumping out of an airplane (kudos to my girlfriend who did in honor of her 50th!), or sailing the ocean blue or attempting to achieve some wildly physical activity to push my body beyond it's boundaries. My fifty three year old joints just ain't havin' that! My experiences come from observing life day in and day out. My job, my family, my friends, my daily excursions. My life is pretty boring. There was a time, many years in fact, when it was anything but. So maybe the truth is, I welcome the calm, boring place that my life has moved into. Oh sure, I'd like a change of scenery more often than I get it, I read that's really good for an aging brain! For the most part though, I feel settled in my life, and that's not such a bad thing. I know people my age who feel very unsettled, and I watch the turmoil, the drama, the chaos, as they attempt to shift and it makes me feel grateful. I don't pretend to think that all of my shifting is done, is it ever? But at my age, I'll take boring over inner turmoil and chaos any day.
As you know, writing is something I've done off and on my whole life. Journal writing, letter writing (when's the last time you sat down, pen and paper, and wrote someone a nice letter?), song writing and now blog writing. I'm no stranger to writing my feelings out on paper, but I've discovered that sharing yourself in a blog is very different than journal writing. There's no real sense of responsibility when you write for your eyes only, after all, who's going to read it but you? But when you know others will be reading what you write, there most definitely is a feeling of responsibility. A responsibility to be interesting enough so people will have a desire to come back. A responsibility to be relatable to people and the biggest one of all, a responsibility to be honest. The only way you can truly be relatable to people, is to be completely honest with them and the only way to be completely honest with them, is to be completely honest with yourself (I suddenly hear a little bell chiming, "Ding, ding, ding" and a voice shouting out "BINGO!"). That, my friends, is not always an easy thing to do. You must be willing to accept your flaws, your faults, your human-ness, and put it out there for others to see. Sometimes, it's wonderfully therapeutic, other times, it's scary as hell!
I remember when I first began writing this blog, I promised to be honest. I said something like, "Because if not, then really, what's the point?". There are enough people in our world who are all too happy to feed us bullshit, and there are enough places we can go to hear the bullshit. I don't want to be that person and I don't want my blog to be that place. When I show up here, I want to show up with all of me, not just the pieces that are easy to reveal.
So, at the times in my life when, for whatever reason, I am unwilling to share my truth, I will be silent. During the times that it's just too painful for me to dig deep enough, I will be silent. When my life perceptions are running at surface level and I feel they will bore you to tears, I will be silent. But I'll be back. I always am. And when I am, I am oh so happy to be here!
"The pen and paper has no judgment, no vote, it simply receives my truth and allows me to turn the page. And today, this is my truth." - Sons of Anarchy
xo,
Carrie
As you know, writing is something I've done off and on my whole life. Journal writing, letter writing (when's the last time you sat down, pen and paper, and wrote someone a nice letter?), song writing and now blog writing. I'm no stranger to writing my feelings out on paper, but I've discovered that sharing yourself in a blog is very different than journal writing. There's no real sense of responsibility when you write for your eyes only, after all, who's going to read it but you? But when you know others will be reading what you write, there most definitely is a feeling of responsibility. A responsibility to be interesting enough so people will have a desire to come back. A responsibility to be relatable to people and the biggest one of all, a responsibility to be honest. The only way you can truly be relatable to people, is to be completely honest with them and the only way to be completely honest with them, is to be completely honest with yourself (I suddenly hear a little bell chiming, "Ding, ding, ding" and a voice shouting out "BINGO!"). That, my friends, is not always an easy thing to do. You must be willing to accept your flaws, your faults, your human-ness, and put it out there for others to see. Sometimes, it's wonderfully therapeutic, other times, it's scary as hell!
I remember when I first began writing this blog, I promised to be honest. I said something like, "Because if not, then really, what's the point?". There are enough people in our world who are all too happy to feed us bullshit, and there are enough places we can go to hear the bullshit. I don't want to be that person and I don't want my blog to be that place. When I show up here, I want to show up with all of me, not just the pieces that are easy to reveal.
So, at the times in my life when, for whatever reason, I am unwilling to share my truth, I will be silent. During the times that it's just too painful for me to dig deep enough, I will be silent. When my life perceptions are running at surface level and I feel they will bore you to tears, I will be silent. But I'll be back. I always am. And when I am, I am oh so happy to be here!
"The pen and paper has no judgment, no vote, it simply receives my truth and allows me to turn the page. And today, this is my truth." - Sons of Anarchy
xo,
Carrie
Friday, January 24, 2014
Be nice!
I was driving around Whole Foods parking lot yesterday, two kids in tow, looking for a parking space. I got super excited when I spied a space right next to the handicapped spot by the door, as we've been having some FRIGID weather lately. Tackling Whole Foods with kids is always somewhat of a challenge, throwing in sub-zero temps makes the experience that much more fun! This space had one of those signs that read, "Reserved for patrons with small children" in front of it. Fantastic! I have small children. I was about three spaces away from pulling in when, as happens so often in that parking lot, a car appeared out of nowhere. It came around the corner from the opposite direction and sped in to the space before I could get to it. Needless to say, I wasn't happy! I pulled up closer to the car and mumbled under my breath, "There better be a *%&#ing child in that car!". Out ran the driver, a woman, sans children. She quickly scooted to the entrance as I sat, blood boiling, thinking, what do I do? Toot my horn? Block her from going in? Run her down? I pulled around, hand on my window control button, preparing to completely lose it on this woman, "Damn it! This window is not going down quick enough!", and in she went with her carriage, completely oblivious to the wrath that was just a moment away from being put upon her.
I drove around the parking lot, blood still boiling, found an open space, got the kids out of their car seats, walked them to the door, got them situated in a carriage, and in we went. I was on a mission! I was going to find this dark haired lady with the pretty blue hat if it was the last thing I did. I felt myself walking at a pace that was not usual for me when I visit Whole Foods. Probably a pace similar to that of a marathoner! This woman's face was etched in my mind so clearly, had she been a murder suspect that I was describing to a police sketcher, she never would have gone free. I paced, and breathed, and paced, and breathed, nothing. A few more aisles of pacing and breathing, and still nothing. Eventually I felt my pace slowing to the more familiar browse mode, and my boiling blood was now just barely a simmer. Rational thinking was coming back, "Okay, I'm not going to seek her out, but if I happen to run into her, I'm going to explain to her nicely why that wasn't the right thing to do. After all, I certainly don't want to make a scene in front of these kids". We finished our shopping trip and when we left, I saw her car was gone. Not even a chance to leave a note on her windshield. The opportunity was gone.
As I drove home, I began to feel grateful that my window didn't go down just a few seconds quicker, that she wasn't standing right there, in the produce aisle, when we entered the store and that I never spied the lady in the blue hat. I felt extremely grateful that the opportunity to become someone I definitely have no desire to be, did not present itself. I even remembered a time when I had done the exact same thing this woman had done, thinking I would only be a few minutes in the store and convincing myself that the three empty car seats in my back seat counted for something. They didn't.
In those life moments that we all have, when our blood is boiling, and our minds are racing so fast we can barely think straight, and we feel we are entitled to behave however we see fit because we've been wronged, it really pays to just stop. STOP. Breathe, pace, cry if you need to, but don't become that person. That person that you will always regret you became when the moment passes...and it will.
"Does my speech carry the language of love and compassion?" - Thich Nhat Hanh
xo,
Carrie
I drove around the parking lot, blood still boiling, found an open space, got the kids out of their car seats, walked them to the door, got them situated in a carriage, and in we went. I was on a mission! I was going to find this dark haired lady with the pretty blue hat if it was the last thing I did. I felt myself walking at a pace that was not usual for me when I visit Whole Foods. Probably a pace similar to that of a marathoner! This woman's face was etched in my mind so clearly, had she been a murder suspect that I was describing to a police sketcher, she never would have gone free. I paced, and breathed, and paced, and breathed, nothing. A few more aisles of pacing and breathing, and still nothing. Eventually I felt my pace slowing to the more familiar browse mode, and my boiling blood was now just barely a simmer. Rational thinking was coming back, "Okay, I'm not going to seek her out, but if I happen to run into her, I'm going to explain to her nicely why that wasn't the right thing to do. After all, I certainly don't want to make a scene in front of these kids". We finished our shopping trip and when we left, I saw her car was gone. Not even a chance to leave a note on her windshield. The opportunity was gone.
As I drove home, I began to feel grateful that my window didn't go down just a few seconds quicker, that she wasn't standing right there, in the produce aisle, when we entered the store and that I never spied the lady in the blue hat. I felt extremely grateful that the opportunity to become someone I definitely have no desire to be, did not present itself. I even remembered a time when I had done the exact same thing this woman had done, thinking I would only be a few minutes in the store and convincing myself that the three empty car seats in my back seat counted for something. They didn't.
In those life moments that we all have, when our blood is boiling, and our minds are racing so fast we can barely think straight, and we feel we are entitled to behave however we see fit because we've been wronged, it really pays to just stop. STOP. Breathe, pace, cry if you need to, but don't become that person. That person that you will always regret you became when the moment passes...and it will.
"Does my speech carry the language of love and compassion?" - Thich Nhat Hanh
xo,
Carrie
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