Disappearing

I don't live a very exciting life. We don't do a lot of traveling and I definitely don't have a very adventurous spirit so there's not a lot of those types of experiences for me to share with you. You won't be reading about me jumping out of an airplane (kudos to my girlfriend who did in honor of her 50th!), or sailing the ocean blue or attempting to achieve some wildly physical activity to push my body beyond it's boundaries. My fifty three year old joints just ain't havin' that! My experiences come from observing life day in and day out. My job, my family, my friends, my daily excursions. My life is pretty boring. There was a time, many years in fact, when it was anything but. So maybe the truth is, I welcome the calm, boring place that my life has moved into. Oh sure, I'd like a change of scenery more often than I get it, I read that's really good for an aging brain! For the most part though, I feel settled in my life, and that's not such a bad thing. I know people my age who feel very unsettled, and I watch the turmoil, the drama, the chaos, as they attempt to shift and it makes me feel grateful. I don't pretend to think that all of my shifting is done, is it ever? But at my age, I'll take boring over inner turmoil and chaos any day.

As you know, writing is something I've done off and on my whole life. Journal writing, letter writing (when's the last time you sat down, pen and paper, and wrote someone a nice letter?), song writing and now blog writing. I'm no stranger to writing my feelings out on paper, but I've discovered that sharing yourself in a blog is very different than journal writing. There's no real sense of responsibility when you write for your eyes only, after all, who's going to read it but you? But when you know others will be reading what you write, there most definitely is a feeling of responsibility. A responsibility to be interesting enough so people will have a desire to come back. A responsibility to be relatable to people and the biggest one of all, a responsibility to be honest. The only way you can truly be relatable to people, is to be completely honest with them and the only way to be completely honest with them, is to be completely honest with yourself (I suddenly hear a little bell chiming, "Ding, ding, ding" and a voice shouting out "BINGO!"). That, my friends, is not always an easy thing to do. You must be willing to accept your flaws, your faults, your human-ness, and put it out there for others to see. Sometimes, it's wonderfully therapeutic, other times, it's scary as hell!

I remember when I first began writing this blog, I promised to be honest. I said something like, "Because if not, then really, what's the point?". There are enough people in our world who are all too happy to feed us bullshit, and there are enough places we can go to hear the bullshit. I don't want to be that person and I don't want my blog to be that place. When I show up here, I want to show up with all of me, not just the pieces that are easy to reveal.

So, at the times in my life when, for whatever reason, I am unwilling to share my truth, I will be silent. During the times that it's just too painful for me to dig deep enough, I will be silent. When my life perceptions are running at surface level and I feel they will bore you to tears, I will be silent. But I'll be back. I always am. And when I am, I am oh so happy to be here!

"The pen and paper has no judgment, no vote, it simply receives my truth and allows me to turn the page. And today, this is my truth." - Sons of Anarchy

xo,
Carrie