Perception

Did you ever play that game when you were a kid called Telephone? Maybe it was called something different when you played it, but it was that game where you would whisper something into one person's ear, then they'd whisper it into the next person's, they'd whisper it into the next, etc.. When it got to the last person they'd have to say outloud what was just told to them and nine times out of ten, it was a different version of what was originally said.

I was reminded of that game today when my girlfriend and I had a conversation on Facebook. It started with her posting this quote - "Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness." Then our conversation went something like this...

I said, "Not so sure I agree with this one. That would be idea,l but I think sometimes decisions need to be made that you just can't do that with. There are many roots of happiness."

She said, "Really? Interesting...I know for me, that unless my whole heart is behind a decision I make, my soul stirs and my decision feels empty...and that affects my happiness. Some people can live very easily without needing truth behind them, they rationalize their decisions and it works for them. This quote is a representation of how I feel about the world and noone elses."

I said, "I understand what you're saying and more power to you if you're able to do that. I just know that there have been times in my life when I've needed to make decisions that were a "Lesser of two evils" type thing, and when that type of decision making becomes necessary, it's hard to feel like it's backed by my heart and soul. It's not about not needing truth behind it, I just think sometimes the truth is not always something your heart, soul, and whole being can be behind. Maybe in time it becomes that way, but at the moment you're making the decision, not so much."

She said, "But that's where the truth lies. In being honest with yourself that you have to make a choice between two evils and that you are making the best choice you can, given the circumstances. That IS truth...doesn't mean the decisions are easy."

I said, "Okay...so maybe my heart, my soul and my whole being ARE behind the decision and it just doesn't feel that way at the time, BUT if it doesn't feel that way at the time then how do I know that's the case? Maybe we're saying the same thing in different ways."

And actually, now that I've re-read this while I'm writing, I think maybe it's the word confidence that I don't agree with. It's hard to have confidence when you're choosing between the lesser of two evils. ANYWAY...It's an aspect of human nature that will always fascinate me. How two people can hear, read or see the exact same thing, and have two totally different perceptions of what they've just heard, read or seen. 

It's getting late and I'm tired, so I will leave you with this thought...It's important to stay open to other people's perceptions, because in the end, you might just be saying the same thing, only in different ways.

xo,
Carrie

Believe (cont'd.)

I thought this poem might coincide with yesterday's thought, seeing as in order to have the strength to believe, often there are things we need to let go of. Letting go can also be a very difficult process, but like believing, it begins with a desire. A desire for something to be different in our lives or in ourselves. Whether it's believing or letting go, the place we'll find that strength is always within.

TODAY

I'm letting it all go today
The sorrow that so heavily weighs
The sadness which upon me lay
I'm letting go today

I'm sending it off on ange'ls wings
To make room for the other things
The things that help my heart to sing
I'm letting them in today

I've held it now for long enough
Allowed my edges to become rough
All but forgetting the power of love
It's leaving me today

Today I'll honor the power of prayer
Dream the things I haven't dared
Strip free of all the coats I wear
I'm only me today

No more wandering aimlessly in the lack
Today I'm inviting myself back
Permission granted to follow my heart's path
I'm coming home today

The healing eyes of love can see
This life holds so much more for me
The hurt goes only if I set it free
Won't waste another day

I surrender the pretense of control
To let what's meant to be unfold
There's magic inside of me I'm told
My gifts I'll seek today

These noble truths are mine to keep
All I've sown must now be reaped
God's tender mercies are running deep
I'm letting go today

xo,
Carrie

Believe

I was all set to sit down with my pen and journal yesterday when the doorbell rang. It was a state worker here to do my spot check, as I'm licensed by the state to provide daycare in my home.

I've owned my own daycare for approximately twenty years now, and these spot checks are done about every two or so which means I've now had approximately ten. There has never been any major issues when they've shown up, it's usually something minor like the water temperature being a bit too high or I have forgotten to display my fire evacuation plan in plain sight. I'm pretty sure that if a fire were to break ou,t my kids would not be running to look at the evacuation plan. Hopefully, they'd be running to the nearest exit, as that's what I've drummed into them, but I understand the need for rules and regulations. My point here, is that no matter how many times I've been through it, I still feel my stomach go up somewhere into my throat when I open my front door and see that badge staring me  in the face. I can only imagine how my poor sister, whose job it is to oversee the performance of an entire hospital, feels when those badges come walking into her office! Oh well, we all need someone to hold us accountable.

My post yesterday was going to be about believing. We've all seen those signs that have become very popular, which simply state, BELIEVE. I've seen it written on bumper stickers, on wooden plaques resting on store shelves, and on an oval ceramic sign hanging in a friend's kitchen. It's a wonderful sentimen,t but what does it really mean to believe?

Life is always challenging us to believe. Every time we get into our cars to drive to work, we believe we'll get there safely. Every morning when my son gets on his school bus and I watch it drive away, I believe that I will see him get off of it in the afternoon. Every day when I go to get up out of bed and step on the floor to walk, I believe that my body will cooperate and allow me to do so, and every time I open my mouth to speak, I believe the same cooperation will come from my brain. These are beliefs that we don't give much thought to, until it doesn't happen that way. It's not until the beliefs that we take for granted are challenged, that we really get to start figuring out our belief system. I heard a song on the radio the other day by Bon Jovi which has a line in it that says, "When life is a bitter pill to swallow, you've got to hold on to what you believe." I couldn't agree more. That's when we begin to dig deep and try to figure out what it truly means to BELIEVE.

This is definitely a subject that could get very complicated, and rightfully so, but given the fact that this is not a forum that allows an interactive discussion, I'll simply share what I have discovered when I have been forced into those deep places -

Believe in what? EVERYTHING. Believe in the best possible outcome for every situation, regardless of how hopeless the situation may feel. Whether it's our relationships, the economy, health issues, etc., believe in the best possible scenario because if the glass isn't half ful,l it's half empty, and who wants to live like that?

Believe in who? EVERYONE. Especially the people who we care about the most. We all deserve the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure we can all think of a time when we strived to be a better person because someone believed in us. Where there is no belief there is no faith, where there is no faith there is no trust, and where there is no trust, there is seclusion. Who on earth wants to live in that kind of lonliness?

Believe why? There is not enough time in a day for me to list all the reasons why it's vital to believe. All I know is that if we don't, what are our options? If we don't go through life believing the best, believing in the possibilities, believing in eachother, and believing in a power greater than ourselves, then we're left to face life from the depths of despair and sadness and that my friends, is no way to have a life.

Believing is not an easy thing to do. On the contrary, it's probably one of the hardest tasks we can face when that bitter pill is sliding ever so slowly down our throats, attempting to choke us, BUT it is what makes this life worth living.

So...every day, whether it's the minute things, like a state worker showing up on your doorstep, or the big things, like wanting with every ounce of your being to see a loved one you've lost again, BELIEVE.

When you have no clue or control over how resolve will come to any given situation, dig deep and BELIEVE.

And maybe most importantly, when you've given up hope that your heart's desire will ever be fulfilled, BELIEVE...and I will believe with you.

xo,
Carrie

Hands

My mom came to see me again last night. I couldn't see her face, but I know it was her. What I saw was her hand and it was undeniably hers. She was holding a paring knife in it and was cutting a slice off of a piece of fruit. I would recognize that hand anywhere.

Every time she would visit (which was usually weekly) for about the last two years of her life she would bring an apple along with her lunch to share with our Golden Retriever. He would get so excited when Grammy would walk through the door because he knew a treat was in store for him. Mom learned after attempting to give him a different type of apple that only a Gala would do. She got a kick out of that! She would stand at the kitchen sink with the apple in one hand and the paring knife in the other and feed him one slice at a time, until either he got full, or the apple was gone. This is a weekly ritual that I know he misses. After she passed away I tried to feed him an apple and he wouldn't take it. He misses her just as much as the rest of us.

Mom had the prettiest hands, very petite and feminine looking. One day a few weeks before she died, she, my dad, and I were sitting at the kitchen table working on a crossword puzzle, which was often part of the weekly ritual. I had the pen in my hand and was writing down a word when my dad placed his hand on top of mine and said, "You have your mother's hands. You're lucky, they are the prettiest hands.". I smiled and so did my mom. I remember another time when they were visiting and my dad said, "Carrie, you're just like your mother, you get prettier every time I see you.". Every daughter wants her father to see beauty in her, but the fact that mine sees my mothe'rs beauty when he looks at me means more to me than my words could ever express. I know there is a piece of her in all of her children.

My mother was indeed a beautiful woman, and we have countless pictures to prove that, but anyone who knew her, knows that it was her heart that made her beauty shine. Her tender, loving heart. I miss every part of her, including her hands.

xo,
Carrie

Birds

I'm finding it fascinating to watch the birds in my back yard. I have a bird feeder right outside my kitchen window, so every time I do the dishes (which is quite often), I get the pleasure of observing the various birds that come to eat. It has been VERY busy out there lately. What's up with that anyway? Aren't birds supposed to fly south for the winter?

Yesterday there were several groups that showed up all at the same time. There was one Flicker eating from a suet cake hanging from the feeder. I don't know if you've ever seen one of these birds up close, but they are a really neat looking bird. There were two Black Crows walking around underneath the feeder, a Woodpecker on the other suet cake, while five Blue Jays ate from the feeder. In the bush right next to the feeder had to be at least 15 to 20 Chickadees and on the back porch roof were several Morning Doves.

It was really interesting watching the various groups of birds. That saying "Birds of a feather flock together", is absolutely true. There was no mingling of species going on! Each group had their own space and didn't try to invade a territory that didn't belong to them. They were all very respectful to wait their turn and didn't interfere when it was another group's turn to eat. No one group ate all of the food, they took only what they needed and took care to leave some for the next group of visitors.

What was most fun to watch is that each group seemed to have it's own personality. The Flicker was very confident, obviously fearless and had quite a strong presence. He had an agenda that he was there to fulfill and that was that!

The Black Crows, which were the largest, most intimidating looking in the crowd, were actually the most intimidated. They seemed to be very fearful. They were the only group that would fly away, and then return to see if there was an opening yet, being very cautious not to get too close to the others, especially the Blue Jays, I think with good reason.

The Blue Jays were definitely the most aggressive. You could tell they were ready to do battle with any group, at any time. They were the most impatient with eachother and the only group where I witnessed fighting amongst themselves. "One for all and all for one" is not the motto of the Blue Jay!

The Woodpecker was not interested in the least at all the hubbub going on around it. It was a quick in and out for the Woodpecker, leading me to believe it had much better things to do.

The Doves on top of the porch roof were the clowns of the bunch. They would waddle around and move their heads in a very jerky, wierd kind of rythym. The sounds they made and the way they seemed to be knocking into eachother made them the most entertaining to watch. They definitely provided comic relief!

Finally, it was abundantly clear that the Chickadees were here for more than the food. This was social hour for the Chickadees! They were so wrapped up in conversation that they barely noticed when the feeder opened up. There was no fighting, and they didn't care enough about what was going on with the other groups to be intimidated by any of them. They even took time out during their meal to chat with eachother, the only thing missing from this scenario was a little wine. The Chickadees were here for eachother, and that's all that mattered to them.

I should probably end this post with some profound statement about the similarities between what I observed in the birds and man, but I got nothin'! All I know is that when I die, I'd like to come back as a Chickadee. I'll be the one with the red wine in tow!

xo,
Carrie

Puberty

Boy, the day got away from me! It was a good one though. Started with a nice walk with the dog, then I had a client until 1:00 p.m., came home and made lunch,curried chicken salad from last night's leftovers - Yum!  After lunch I took my son to a doctor appt., then it was sledding and Hot Cocoa, then time to cook dinner, eat it, clean up from it and here I am! I'm ready to relax with a good book now so just a quick observation for today -

If you want a good laugh (a really good laugh), grab the bathroom door handle when your almost thirteen year old son has just gone in to take a shower, jiggle it and pretend you're going to walk in. The reaction is one I wish I could bottle and sell. I'm still laughing when I think about it! Ahh...gotta love puberty. Having lived this twice I plan on having as much fun with it this time around as I possibly can. Poor kid.

xo,
Carrie

Scattered

I can't seem to figure out what it is I want to say today. I had two dreams last night that were the type of dreams that you wake up from and thank your lucky stars you were just dreaming. In the first, my youngest was missing and in the second, my house was on fire. The details that I can recall are very clear and scary. I'm sure if I told my two friends who are very good at deciphering dreams, they'd be able to help me to understand them better, but honestly, I just don't feel like talking about them.

The snow is so beautiful today. It's that really wet kind that sticks to everything and makes you feel like you're living in a different land. My red cardinal came to the feeder and I felt like I was staring at a painting while watching him. It was a breathtaking picture. I thought maybe I'd write about the stillness. The kind of stillness that a day like today promotes, but honestly, I just don't know what I want to say about i,t other than to enjoy it. Really breathe it in because it's not often that life offers us this kind of stillness.

I just got back from bringing my youngest to go see the movie Percy Jackson and the Olympians - The Lightning Thief. It was a great movie about the son of the greek God Poseidon and a human. It was a reminder to me of how much I enjoyed Greek Mythology when I learned about it (and how much I've forgotten). It was full of action and incredible special effects and made me realize how much I miss make believe. I think adults need more make believe in their lives. Why should Halloween be the only time of the year we're allowed to dress up and assume an alter ego? No fair! Uh oh...I think I feel a theme party coming on...

I just got a call from a woman looking for daycare for a sixteen month old girl. I decided a few weeks ago that opening myself up to providing full time care again, rather than just before and after school care, would be incredibly helpful in resolving some of the stress I've been feeling about the state of the economy and the never ending pile of bills that we all have to deal with on an ongoing basis. I've already agreed to begin watching an eight week old in the next two months or so and need to evaluate how well I think I could provide care for a sixteen month old as well. I could write about how it never ceases to amaze me how quickly opportunity can arise once you open yourself up to the universe. Maybe that's where the saying, "Ask and you shall receive" comes from. Or maybe, "Be careful what you wish for"? No, I really don't feel like delving into that right now.

Anyway, my thoughts are scattered today, and I haven't given myself the opportunity to sit down and try to sort them out enough to know what I want to write, so I guess I'll just give myself permission to be scattered. Life is like that sometimes and that's okay. After all, isn't being scattered just another term for multi tasking? Maybe I'm more qualified for an office job than I give myself credit for!

xo,
Carrie

Valentines Day

As I look around my house this morning, I'm staring at an awful lot of pink! Pink m&m's in martini glasses atop the entertainment center, Hershey's kisses wrapped in pink, pink heart shaped candy with various messages of love stamped on them, pink flowers in vases, candles in various shades of pink, a large red plastic bin with red, white and pink hearts stuck to it, pink tablecloth and finally the pink nail polish on my fingernails. All remnants of a Valentines Day party held here over the weekend. When I look at all of these things, I can't help but feel good. All reminders of a really fun time that was had with people I love in honor of a holiday that celebrates my favorite thing ever...love. I love love!

My mother's favorite color was pink. That was obvious to the people who attended her wake or funeral where she was dressed in a vibrant shade of pink and wore bright pink lipstick. My dad, her children and their spouses, and grandchildren all wore pink roses in honor of her love for all things pink. How appropriate that a woman whose soul (I meant to spell it that way) purpose in life was to spread love, was in love with the color that represents it. No wonder I feel so good when I look around my house this morning.

Over the years there have been many times that I've questioned my purpose. At times I still struggle with whether I've found it or will ever find it. After all, how does a person ever really know for sure that they've accomplished what they were meant to during their time here on earth? The death of a loved one can leave you with a sense of urgency to find that purpose and fulfill it as quickly as possible. The reality of how short our time here really is hits home when you lose someone you love. With all the questions and doubts, Mom's death has made one thing abundantly clear; my job, regardless of what other endeavors I choose to pursue while here, is to love. My job is to carry on the legacy of what mattered most to my mom.

My mother never worked outside of the home a day in her adult life but the legacy she's left to this earth is one that won't soon be forgotten. That legacy was never more evident than her last week here when she was in the hospital and there was not one minute of that week, day or night, that went by when there wasn't someone with her, holding her hand. We literally would do the "switch off", gently passing her hand from one persons to the next, putting a cool cloth on her head, talking to her and letting her know that the efforts of her lifetime were not for naught. We would be there for her, just as she had been for each and every one of us, until she drew her last breath.

After she passed, my father received a card from one of the doctors (who we loved) who cared for Mom during that last week. The card stated that she had never witnessed such an amazing family bond and that the love that could be felt by her, as well as other members of the hospital staff that week, was a true testament to the person my mother was and the relationship that my parents shared.

And there you have it! That's the way love works. You don't need to work all that hard to spread it, it does that all on it's own. All you have to do is DO it. Regardless of what else I may or may not accomplish while I'm here, this much I know I can do. I'm not sure there's anything more important than that.

Think I'll wear pink more often, it's really a great color!

Happy Valentines Day!

xo,
Carrie

Serenity

This is a prayer widely associated with a twelve step program for recovery. I think it should be widely associated with life in general. It's the perfect prayer and today, I need the reminder -

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference

xo,
Carrie

Weather

I got a kick out of all the comments posted on Facebook yesterday in regards to the incompetence of the weather forecasters when the snow storm forecasted arrived approximately twelve hours later than it was initially predicted to begin, and came with much less force than originally thought. People had all sorts of things to say about how ridiculous it was that school was closed and that our meteorologists get paid to be wrong, etc.. I have definitely been guilty of this same type of thinking, especially when you're looking forward to a nice warm, sunny day and it turns out to be anything but.

When my family and I were holding vigil at the hospital the week before my mother died, I ran into a woman I hadn't seen for years who now works there. She knew what was happening with Mom and she took the time to offer comfort and shared with me the story of her own mother's passing. She had passed a few years ago from cancer and it was a hard death. She told me how, like us, she sat vigil for many days wanting to make sure her mom wasn't alone when she went. One day her mother woke up and said, "Honey, you need to go home and rest.". When she tried to argue, her mother got visibly distraught and demanded, "Go home!", so reluctantly, she did. She figured she'd go home long enough to sleep for an hour or two and get freshened up before returning, but as she walked through her front door she heard the phone ringing. It was the nurse with the news that her mom had passed not long after she left. The pain she still carries with her was obvious as she told this story, and I understood it completely.

We talked for a while longer about death and how it would appear that we know when it's coming, and might actually have a hand in choosing the exact moment when it comes. At least in situations where illness is involved. Her mother's story is not unique, I've heard it (and seen it) before. Perhaps you have as well. When our conversation ended, she hugged me and said, "Well Carrie, I think there still needs to be a few mysteries left in life.".

Creation, death and Mother Nature. These are the few big mysteries that we have left. The day that man has more power than the unpredictability of nature is a day that I'm not so sure I want to see. With all of the forward motion of science and technology, we should be thankful when the weather forecasters get it wrong and let it serve as a reminder that we are still vulnerable to a power greater than ourselves.

Amen to that my friends...amen to that.

xo,
Carrie

Friendships

I'm sure some of you have seen that email that gets sent around periodically about friends and how some friendships come into our lives for a short time while some come in for a lifetime, etc.. Whenever I see that it reminds me to be thankful for all of the wonderful friendships I have been blessed with in my life.

I have a friend who I've had for many years. We were pretty much inseparable all through our 20's and most of our 30's. We talked every day, some days we talked several times. We saw each other almost as often. Our kids considered eachother cousins and referred to each of us as "Auntie". I think during those years each of us barely made a move without consulting the other first. We shared so much that it would be a futile effort on my part to attempt to reiterate the events of those years but it would suffice to say that we were as close as two people could be.

At age 36 I found out that I was pregnant with my youngest child. My older boys were 12 and 14 at the time so it was a bit of a shock to learn of the pregnancy. When I told my friend the news, she cried. It's not that she wasn't happy for me, I think in that moment she may have known that our lives, which up until that point had remained pretty in sync, were now going to shift in very different directions. She was right.

Not long after I gave birth, my friend decided to finally honor the strong pull she had been feeling for some time to move somewhere warmer. Somewhere her spirit felt more alive. While I felt deep sadness at the notion of life without her close by, I also admired her courage to do what she felt was needed at this point in her life. If it's one thing my friend has always had, it's courage. I love that about her.

We now see eachother about once or twice a year and talk on the phone maybe once a month. Something neither of us could have imagined all those years ago, but it's okay. Life has brought us to exactly where we're meant to be, and the love we feel in our hearts for eachother will never change. That unconditional love is the legacy of our friendship and I know our connection will live forever.

Our story makes me think of my mom and a close friendship in her life. When I was young, my parents were very connected to her friend and her friend's husband. Our families did all sorts of things together. We vacationed together often and were always at eachother's houses. We called them Auntie and Uncle as did their daughter to my parents. Uncle even worked at the business my father owned. It was obvious how much my mother and Auntie loved each other.

Time went on, we kids grew older and as life usually has it, things changed. Auntie and Uncle ended up getting divorced and my parents remained friendly with Auntie. Eventually Auntie and Uncle got back together and Uncle felt betrayed by my parent's loyalty to Auntie during their time apart. It became apparent that Auntie would have to choose between Uncle and my mom and I'm sure you can guess who won.

My mom and Auntie didn't speak again for several years until Uncle passed away. When my parents went to pay their respects to Auntie and her daughter at Uncle's wake, all it took was one hug for the tears to flow, the lost years to fade away and the friendship to be rekindled. The joy my mom felt at having Auntie back in her life was evident. It was like she was complete again. Unfortunately the re-connection was too short lived, as within about two years or so Auntie was diagnosed with a brain tumor and six weeks later she was gone. Auntie died on October 22nd, 2007, Mom died on October 22nd, 2009.

Never question why a friendship has come into your life or why it goes. Regardless of if it comes for a short time, a lifetime or into eternity as Mom and Auntie's did, they all come for a reason. We need to embrace them, cherish them and give thanks for the blessing of our friendships.

xo,
Carrie

Power Foods

I just got home from work and I have a splitting headache. I think the dry air is wreaking havoc with my sinus function (as it is several of you I've spoken with lately). I'm sorry to say that it's interfering with my desire to write today so I think I'll just pass along some good info I read in my Prevention magazine this morning.

A recent surge in clinical research reveals a new crop of superfoods that can help to lower your risks of everything from cancer and heart disease to macular degeneration and osteoporosis. Here is the abridged version of the article -

To protect your heart, fill up on-
Barley
Pinto Beans
Grapes
Macadamia nuts
Mineral Water (1 liter daily)
Avoid Energy drinks*

To strengthen your bones, fill up on-
Lean Top Sirloin
Broccoli
Broccoli Rabe
Spinach
Avoid salt*

To promote digestion, fill up on-
Blueberries
Air popped popcorn
Bananas
Avoid Dried Plums (try dried apricots instead)*

To sharpen your vision, fill up on-
Collard Greens
Low or nonfat milk
Nuts
Avoid refined foods*

To protect your breasts, fill up on-
Cauliflower
Sweet potatoes
Tomato sauce
Avoid grapefruit*
(I was surprised by this- Eating just one quarter of a grapefruit each day or one-half every other day may increase a postmenopausal woman's chances of deveoping breast cancer by up to 30%. Although doctors aren't exactly sure why, several studies show that grapefruit interacts with estrogen and increases its potency - so much so that the FDA requires hormone replacement medications to carry a warning label concerning grapefruit juice.)

To clear your lungs, fill up on these-
Pears
Edamame
Brown rice
Avoid Soft drinks*

To painproof your joints, fill up on these-
Olive Oil (two tsp. a day plus 3 g of fish oil)
Oranges
Avoid Beer or hard liquor*

To boost your memory, fill up on these-
Apples
Chicken Breast
Coffee
Avoid Liver*

To smooth your skin, fill up on these-
Canned light tuna
Dark Chocolate (there is a God!)
Black Tea with citrus peel
Carrot juice
Avoid alcohol*

If you want more specifics about any one of these foods, let me know and I'll be happy to give you the unabridged version (or of course you can just buy the January 2010 Prevention Magazine!).

xo,
Carrie

Cleaning

The sun is shining so brightly this morning, but it's hard to appreciate it fully because my windows are so dirty! I've come to realize that I dread certain aspects of housecleaning. It seems like such a waste of time when there's so many other things I'd rather be doing. I've tried so many times to adopt a zen attitude when it comes to cleaning. You know, the whole be in the moment, become one with the dustrag type thing, but to no avail. People have said to me, "Carrie, your house is always clean", and I suppose when you're on the outside looking in it can appear that way but these windows are just gross.

How is a person supposed to see the beauty that surrounds them through a dirty window? How can you see the wonderful possibilities that life has to offer through a cloudy lens? You really can't, it just impairs the vision too much. I guess that leaves me a few choices -

1.) I can choose to do nothing and continue to look at the world through the accumulated dirt. I can throw up my hands and say, "Why bother? It's too dirty and would take too much work. It's too hard and I just don't have the energy". The problem with this option is that it leaves you feeling defeated and robs you of your enthusiasm (aha!). I'd even go so far as to say that it robs you of your hope for what lies outside your four walls and that will eventually rob you of your joy. Not to mention the headache you get from straining your eyes day in and day out. This option will lead you to just stop looking.

2.) I can open up the window, but that will only clear half of my view. While it's a step in the right direction and things may appear clearer at first, the half that's still dirty will be eventually all you see and if you allow yourself to look closer I'm sure you'll see that the half that appears clear is still obstructed by a screen. This option leaves you feeling that the job is only partially done and wondering why you bothered to begin with. OR...

3.) I can clean the windows! This option definitely requires the most work but it also offers the most fulfilling outcome. Not only does this option offer the clearest view but when you know you've put in the time and effort regardless of how difficult the job, I believe when that sun comes sparkling through it will cause your spirit to sparkle as well. This option can seem extremely overwhelming at first but knowing it can be achieved one window pane at a time makes me believe it's possible.

It's a choice. Life is always a choice but I think I owe myself the opportunity to have the clearest perspective possible. Gotta go...time to become one with the Windex!

xo,
Carrie

Money

Well the troubled economy has made it's way to my front door, bringing with it the questions and doubt of a mid-life woman as to whether she chose the right path for her life. I've gone back and forth on this issue many times over the years when money gets tight and it always leaves me feeling like I haven't contributed enough financially to our family. Then the guilt sets in and you know how that goes. I wonder often where we'd be right now had I gone the way of my sisters and been a nurse or a teacher. My sisters are all very successful in their careers, but I know they struggle too. It's just part of life. It's hard to feel like you can make an alternate career choice when you know that even a temporary change in your income will take it's toll on your ability to get the bills paid. And then change finds you anyway.

The truth is I've never been very good at managing money, always pushing the envelope. If I had in a savings account all the money that I've paid in bank fees over the years, not only would I not be writing this today, I'd be boarding an airplane somewhere WARM! Just to give you an idea of how poorly I am at managing money, whenever I see Suzie Ormon come on television, I immediately break into a cold sweat and can't change the station fast enough. She's too tangible a reminder as to my failings in this department.

I really don't know what precipitated my relationship to money. Maybe being the baby of seven and always being taken care of helped to lay the groundwork. Or maybe having an unhealthy body image for many years made it easy to go for the quick fix and just buy something new which would make me feel better about the way I looked instead of dealing with fixing the problem. Maybe it's the nature of my personality. Forever the optimist that says, "Oh it will be okay, it always is.", which helps to birth procrastination and complacency. Maybe it's just sheer laziness or perhaps fear (ahhh...the magic word!).

I once worked with a life coach whose expertise was fear. One of the things she said to me which I keep with me until this day is, "Maybe you're not just a laid back, easy going person Carrie. Maybe you're just too fearful to have strong opinions of your own because then you'd have to act on them and make decisions you're too afraid to make". Maybe. Maybe not. I can't decide.

Whatever the excuses have been, this knock at my front door is leaving me with a sense of urgency. A now or never, change now or forever hold your peace, do or die kind of urgency that didn't exist when I was younger, but does now at almost fifty. What I'll do with it remains to be seen but for today I'm going to try to resist the call to panic, take a deep breath and go back to a place of gratitude for all that is good in my life, count my blessings and stay open to the possiblities.

In the meantime, if you have any suggestions on how to write a good resume, I'm all ears!

xo,
Carrie

Enthusiasm

I went to go pick up the kids at school yesterday and as I was heading toward the doors I almost got barrelled over by a little boy running as fast as he could with a huge smile on his face. In his hand was a box of donut holes from a local donut shop. As soon as he passed me, out came another boy, then another and yet another all running with the same smile and unbridled enthusiasm as the first yelling at the top of their lungs, "GET HIM! GET THE DONUT HOLES!!!".

I couldn't help but smile as I watched the sheer joy all of these boys shared over a box of donut holes. Then I had a sobering thought..."What is it that I possess that kind of enthusiasm over?", and the sad truth is not much.

I miss that feeling. That feeling of being so excited about something that it gets you to bound out of the door,or the chair, or the bed, with a big smile on your face.! That feeling of your heart racing in anticipation of something you're about to experience, or the feeling of a spirit so light it could float because of something you just have experienced.

I know it's winter and this is the time of year for those good old winter blues. I also recognize that we're only three months out of Mom's death and that sadness still sits ever so close to the surface, but I think there's a bigger picture here. I want that feeling again and I know it's no longer available in the places I used to find it. I want what's in that box of donut holes!

Hmmm...I think I've got some work to do. Care to join me?

xo,
Carrie

Questions

This past weekends retreat was about journaling. The benefits, various techniques you can use, etc.. As I was sitting in the doctors office this morning waiting for a friend I started reading the December issue of Redbook and came upon these questions. If you are someone who likes to journal (or someone who's been thinking about doing it but needed a starting point), I think these are excellent questions to journal about. If you're not a writer, they are excellent questions to give some deep thought to when you have quiet time -

1.) How do I spend my alone time?

2.) Do I pay attention to what my body needs?

3.) To whom am I grateful?

4.) Do I spend my money on things that speak to my soul?

5.) Do I compare my life to other peoples?

6.) What do I see when I look in the mirror each morning?

7.) Have I figured out a way to handle the less than perfect relationships in my life?

8.) Do I have faith in something bigger than I am, whether it's God or some other spiritual form?

9.) What positive things do I bring to the relationships in my life?

10.) Is there a space in my home to do the things I love?

11.) How many hours a week do I spend on my computer, my TV, my BlackBerry?

12.) Do I feel older or younger than my years? How often do I feel good about being exactly the age I am?

Give yourself as much time as you need for the answers to come and remember you're the only one seeing them (unless you choose to share) so you can be honest.

xo,
Carrie

Progress

I was having a conversation with a friend while we were away last weekend about texting. I expressed that while I know it's now the way of the world, it still baffles me how an otherwise intelligent, well mannered, polite person can think it's okay to stop a conversation mid-sentence to answer and respond to a text without so much as an excuse me. Or while you're speaking to them, the head is suddenly in a downward position and you, the speaker, have no idea how long this pause will last, so you wait. Texting is a form of rudeness that is widely accepted now.

I know I'm taking the risk of sounding like a cranky old person here but I guess the rules about manners that I was taught as a kid like, "When someone's speaking to you, give them your undivided attention" or "When someone is speaking to you, don't interrupt them unless it's important" don't apply in this modern world of cell phones and texting. It's all about the quick fix.

We have a joke in our family that came about from a conversation my mother once had with her mother. I don't remember all the details, but when my grandmother became frustrated with my mother's point of view, she shouted out rather abruptly, "Well I guess I had a better upbringing than you!!". I'm sure you can see the same humor that we do in a mother saying this to the daughter she raised. So now if one of my family members is not on the same page as another during a conversation someone will shout out, "Well I had a better upbringing than you!" and invariably it brings a laugh. Here's the irony - as I grow older, I think I'm beginning to understand what she meant.

I wonder if every generation feels that they had the benefit of a more meaningful, less complicated, less dangerous world? I know this isn't the reality. Listening to the crazy things my dad used to do with his college buddies after a few beers sounds plenty dangerous to me! Or listening to the stories my mom would tell of living through the Great Depression and growing up poor sounded very complicated and scary, but somehow as we grow older all the crazy, hard, scary memories get replaced by what was good and joyful about that era. What a blessing!

What my memories are becoming about as I age is the connection we had (and thankfully still have) as a family. The fun dinners around the dining room table where there was no shortage of laughter. The in depth conversations had while various bodies sat on counter tops, chairs and floors watching my mom cook dinner. The music that was a constant in our household, and watching in awe at my parents connection while they danced in the middle of the living room floor or sat staring into eachothe'rs eyes singing while listening to it. The loving support from my siblings that showed itself in numerous ways through my childhood into adult years. Even through the difficult times, I remember the connection.

I understand that the world is always progressing into a new, faster paced place. I know that the invention of technology is exciting and fun and good but there is a time and a place for everything. Maybe the reason why I struggle with the whole texting thing is because it seems like a blatant disregard for what I treasure so deeply...face to face connection. Maybe that's why it rubs me the wrong way at times, because it seems like a slap in the face to what I value most in this life...face to face connection. Either that, or I'm just turning into a cranky old lady!

xo,
Carrie

comments

Just a quick note -

Many of you are telling me you're having a hard time leaving comments for me on this site. I'm not sure why that is but if you have a comment you'd like me to see, feel free to email me at eckent@comcast.net.

xo,
Carrie

Retreat

I've been going on a retreat once a year now with a group of women for fifteen plus years and what I've found is that these weekends always have a way of giving you exactly what you need, regardless of what you go there thinking you will get. Let me clarify, what you need and what you want are not usually the same thing.  I left for retreat believing I would get lots of rest and come back feeling refreshed. Well, I'm home and so "refreshed" that I had to go to bed at 8:00 last night and I stayed there until 6:30 this morning.  I left here Friday feeling very light hearted and excited about the weekend and by 7:30 that evening the sadness had found me, and didn't leave.

The beauty of these weekends is that whatever comes up for you, you are surrounded by loving, caring, tender, supportive women who don't try to fix or change what the weekend presents. We're all there to validate and honor eachother's stories and by doing that, at least for me, regardless of what happens while I'm there I leave knowing without a doubt, it's all going to be okay. As my dear friend, mentor and facilitator of these weekends says, "You need to trust the process". I do and that's how I can know that despite how I come home feeling, that I've gotten exactly what I needed.

Here's a little glimpse into my retreats -

RETREAT

There's laughter coming from the kitchen again
It's great to be back in this place among friends
I hear joyful singing coming up through the floor
Her sweet sounding voice comforts my heart for sure

I open my shades and it reveals a familiar view
The ocean's still here staring back at me, PHEW!
It's good to know that despite heartbreaking loss and change
There are always things we can count on to remain the same

Like once again, not an ounce of room in the fridge
If you need space on a shelf you'd better place your bid
And thank GOD the homemade toffee found it's way
Step aside! Comin' through! It will be gone by the end of the day.

There's still excited anticipation of the sun's rise in this place
When the burden of nighttime's darkness disappears without a trace
So I wake early to make coffee and prepare for the show
Knowing there's but a small window of time to catch early morning's glow

The wonder of not knowing what circle time will bring
Still has the power to keep me hopeful and anxious to begin
New faces always offer a mirrored glimpse back in time
To when the curiosity I see in their faces was mine

Someone's beautiful vision of artwork on the walls
Now covered in white leaves me questioning that call
I much prefer the story the painting on these walls used to tell
How sad when creativity's stomped on to promote the big sell

At least the great room's windows still stand from ceiling to floor
Allowing our spirits to be called to what's beyond these doors
It shows nature at it's finest and it's luring me to flee
And beauty still resides in that lone white wicker chair beneath the tree

Of course tears flow in abundance when I least desire them to
At the time they seem like a nuisance but I owe them my gratitude
They've come to cleanse the grief I thought I'd tucked away
So I'll welcome their arrival knowing they're not coming to stay

Year after year old friendships are renewed and new ones born
Some much loved faces missing leaves me feeling a bit torn
Yet I know every single circle ever created in this spot
Regardless of how long ago is forever formed in my heart

I never leave this sacred retreat the same as when I arrive
I take comfort and trust that this place will tend to what I leave behind
With guidance from my angels I always find what I'm meant to here
The joy, the pain, the wisdom of friends, I'll savor it all until I return next year

xo,
Carrie