Sunrise

Before we have children of our own, most of us have very definite views on parenting. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt what our kids will and will not be allowed to do and how they'll behave. We have a pretty clear picture of the type of parents we'll be and the outcome that our parenting style will have on our children. Then you have children and slowly you realize, parenting is a crapshoot! We go along doing what we believe is best, doing what we can with what we know at the time, never really knowing if our actions will produce the results we hope for. Let me share the definition of crapshoot for those of you who aren't clear on the meaning of the word. Crapshoot - a risky and uncertain venture. Something that has an unpredictable outcome. A venture undertaken without regard to possible loss or injury. YUP! That pretty much sums it up.

Before I go any further, let me state emphatically, that there is nothing I value more in life than my role as mother to my three sons. My roles as wife, and now grandmother, run a very close second, but for me, there is no closer bond than that of a parent and child. There is no greater love. It's also because of that connection that parenting is the hardest job you can ever take on. My highest of highs and lowest of lows have all come as a result of my role as Mom. Parenting is quite a ride, and you only fully understand that, once you become one.

I've shared stories with you about my middle son, and some of the life altering challenges we faced with him over the years due to his drug use, but long before the drug use began, he was diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Those of you who are familiar with, or have a loved one with this condition, understand fully the set of challenges that comes along with it, for the child, and for the other family members. It's because of those challenges that my oldest son always seemed to be the one we turned to when we needed something, because if I'm being honest, it was just easier than getting his brother to do it. We could always count on him to be responsible, reliable and trustworthy, so unfortunately (or maybe, fortunately) for him, he was made to do the majority of the work and was always held to a higher standard than his brother. What a huge responsibility that placed on his shoulders and what a huge disservice that was to his brother. How completely and utterly unfair of us. Yes, indeed, hindsight is 20/20 vision.

So while we continued to deal with the chaos of our middle son's reality, our oldest dealt with us, and all that we put on him over the years. That is, until he reached his teens. Once he decided he'd had enough, he'd truly had enough, and he set off on his own path to some pretty self destructive behaviors. Between the two older boys, going through their teens, there were some crazy hard years in this family. The anger, the stress, the depression, the fear, the uncertainty and the lack of control, none of it was anything I had ever imagined parenting would be. Thank God we don't skip right from newborn to teenager! We have many years in between to bond, to learn and to ultimately begin the slow process of letting go.

I'm happy to say that both of my older boys have grown into wonderful, caring, responsible men with hearts so loving that it makes me cry sometimes when I think of them and how much I love them. They both have beautiful girls of their own and my middle son is expecting a little boy in a month or so. They have begun their own journeys into parenthood and I couldn't be prouder of them. One of the blessings of grandparenthood is to be able to take the gift of that 20/20 vision I spoke of earlier and bestow it upon your grandchildren. I hope I can help my boys navigate their own challenges with their kids when they arise, with all of the wisdom that they've helped me to gain. That wisdom is too great a gift not to share.

In the meantime, when they were ages twelve and fourteen, along came our youngest. Yes, he was our OOPS! baby, and we've never regretted him for a second. He's now fifteen and knock on wood, despite what a challenging baby and toddler he was, his teens thus far have been mostly uneventful (notice I said, mostly!). I think part of the reason for this, is because he's growing up in a very different environment than his brothers did. It's only him, so there's not a lot of conflict that happens in the house from day to day. Really noone for him to argue with, other than the dog! Also, my husband and I are older, definitely wiser and much calmer than we were in our twenties and thirties.

Our youngest has had many benefits that our older boys didn't, and because of this, seems to be a pretty happy, sensible, well grounded kid. He doesn't give us much cause for worry (yet!), but having been down this road before, I always wonder what's coming around the corner. I always question if I'm missing something. I worry that the outside influences that come knocking around this age will find him and that smart, sensible kid we all know and love, will disappear in the blink of an eye.

As a parent, you always wonder if you're doing the right things. Are you teaching the right lessons? Are you instilling the strengths and the positive outlook that will ultimately carry your child through? Are you giving them the tools they need to be healthy, well adjusted adults? You wonder.

And then, early one morning, as you're in the bathroom getting ready for the day to begin, you hear your fifteen year old son scream loudly, "MOM! Come here quick!". So you drop the hair dryer and run, heart and mind racing, to go find him and see what's wrong. You find him and anxiously ask what the urgency is. Then he takes you by the arm, gently leads you to the window, points to the sky which is absolutely on fire with brilliant shades of orange, pink and purple and says, "Look at the sunrise! Isn't it puuurty?".

And in that moment, the wondering stops. You feel a little tear find it's way to your eye, your heart fills with gratitude and an overwhelming sense that maybe, just maybe, you're doing something right.

What a ride...

xo,
Carrie

February

I love living in New England, I really do! I love the change of seasons and the beauty that each season brings to the earth and the sense of renewal that beauty brings to my soul. I'm not much of a winter person though. I'm not into winter sports and I'm definitely NOT into being cold! It seems the older I get, the colder I feel during the winter months. I remember walking into my parent's home when I was younger during the winter and after being there only a short time, getting the sense that I was suffocating because the heat was so high. I used to wonder how they could live like that but the older I get, the more I understand. My mom was a teeny little thing and didn't have much insulation on her body. My body certainly has plenty of insulation, but my hands, my feet and my nose are perpetually cold from about October through April. Unlike my dad, I also have a husband who keeps a very watchful eye on the thermostat in our house and doesn't hesitate to remind me about the cost of oil any time I make a move to adjust it. I love him, but we have our share of disagreements over this! He tends to run hot, I tend to run cold, and as he likes to suggest, putting on another sweater won't help my cold hands and cold nose!

I don't mind the first part of winter. I marvel at the first few snowfalls of the season just like everyone else. I love the winter holidays and all the family time they bring. I love the self evaluation and the quest for change that each new year brings with it. And this year, I especially loved that the world didn't come to an end in December and that all the hype about the end of the Mayan calendar was just that! I usually have retreat to look forward to at the end of January and that's always a wonderful time. Then comes February...

Dry air
Dry skin
Dry, fly away hair
Brittle nails
Sinus headaches
Sick children
Sick Adults
Bored children
Aggravated adults dealing with bored children
Gray skies
Dull, baron, brown landscapes
Darkness
Dirty cars
Cars not starting
More snow
Backaches from shoveling
Sleeping in layers of clothing
Hats and ear muffs
Mittens and gloves
Bulky coats and boots
Eating too much chocolate, or cheese, or whatever
COLD
COLD
COLD!

I know that March will come, which always brings with it the excitement that April is right around the corner, but when I start to feel like this, I'm reminded of something that our eldest son used to say quite often when he was a teenager. So to you February, I simply say...BITE ME!

xo,
Carrie

Women

It's about 5:30 a.m. on Sunday morning. I've been away on retreat since Friday afternoon with a group of fourteen other women and as always, I'm blown away by the loving, trusting, compassionate energy that gets passed around during these weekends. I've learned not to come with an agenda, and to simply be open to whatever may come. Let me just say, I am always humbled, and oh so grateful for what does.

I've been doing this retreat for so many years that I honestly can't remember when it began. I know my connection with the wonderful woman who "runs" it began twenty plus years ago. I say "runs" it because I've learned over the years that while you can attempt an agenda here, the weekend always takes on a life of it's own. I think the running is really more of a gentle nudging on her part, and it always gets us to where we need to go.

One of the things that I find fascinating, and beautiful about being part of a circle of women is that in that circle, you will more likely than not, be given the opportunity to see yourself at various stages of your life. While the individual stories will vary, the struggles, the joys, the pain, the triumphs, the emotions, and the ultimate growth that comes, is very much the same. For me, it's the most powerful gift that comes from our connection to other women. The reminder of where you've been, the validation of how far you've come, and the hope held in the future's possibilities.

One thing that's pretty clear to me is that we women suffer. Much of that suffering is done in silence, but there's no denying the pain and suffering that comes from having a woman's tender heart. It's not my intent to say that men don't deal with their share of suffering, I know this to be so. It's been my experience however, that men and women are wired differently and tend to process life in very different ways, from very different perspectives.

It seems to be a general theme for women that somehow, somewhere in our lives, we feel we are not doing a good enough job. If we feel we excel in one area, we usually feel we're failing in another. No matter what our accomplishments, there's an underlying sense that our efforts are not enough. That we should be achieving more! There seems to always be an area in our lives where we feel we are simply not good enough. Well thank you very much Gloria Steinem! I'm not negating the importance of all the positive change that came from the Women's Liberation Movement, but in my opinion, those changes did not come without some huge costs to women as well. One of those costs being exactly what I speak of here. Women now have the opportunity to do it all...WOOHOO! Well I have a newsflash for you, NOONE can do it all. And when you're made to feel like you should be, there will always be an area in which you feel less than, or inadequate.

So let's get back to basics here for a moment. Let's put our worth back into perspective, shall we? We women are the nurturers of the world. In this small group of fifteen women we have a marriage and family therapist, a few nurses, a medical professional, a customer care professional, a parent educator, a couple of women in early childhood education, an assistant to a lawyer whose focus is end of life planning and minorities rights, a teacher, a child care provider, a couple of massage therapists and a self-made business owner whose hard work sustains her household. HELLO!!! We are wives nurturing husbands, mothers nurturing children, children nurturing parents, Aunties nurturing nieces and nephews, grandmothers nurturing grandchildren, friends nurturing friends and women nurturing a variety of pets. We are the nurturers of the damn world I tell you! So you tell me how, in any capacity, is that not good enough?

I think the fact that we women are always striving to be a better version of ourselves is beyond admirable and very telling of the true spirit of a woman. The striving can be a wonderful thing, as long as while we're doing so, we're able to maintain a sense of peace about who we already are, and all that we already give. We DO enough. We GIVE enough. We ARE enough.

It can take days, weeks and in some cases, months to feel the full effects of a weekend like this. It takes time to understand what you've taken with you and honestly, I don't know that we ever fully understand what we've contributed to it. This much I know...when you're in need, when you're depleted, when you feel like a failure or inadequate or less than in some way, look into the heart of another woman, because it's there where you will always find your own, beautiful reflection.

xo,
Carrie