Sunrise

Before we have children of our own, most of us have very definite views on parenting. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt what our kids will and will not be allowed to do and how they'll behave. We have a pretty clear picture of the type of parents we'll be and the outcome that our parenting style will have on our children. Then you have children and slowly you realize, parenting is a crapshoot! We go along doing what we believe is best, doing what we can with what we know at the time, never really knowing if our actions will produce the results we hope for. Let me share the definition of crapshoot for those of you who aren't clear on the meaning of the word. Crapshoot - a risky and uncertain venture. Something that has an unpredictable outcome. A venture undertaken without regard to possible loss or injury. YUP! That pretty much sums it up.

Before I go any further, let me state emphatically, that there is nothing I value more in life than my role as mother to my three sons. My roles as wife, and now grandmother, run a very close second, but for me, there is no closer bond than that of a parent and child. There is no greater love. It's also because of that connection that parenting is the hardest job you can ever take on. My highest of highs and lowest of lows have all come as a result of my role as Mom. Parenting is quite a ride, and you only fully understand that, once you become one.

I've shared stories with you about my middle son, and some of the life altering challenges we faced with him over the years due to his drug use, but long before the drug use began, he was diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Those of you who are familiar with, or have a loved one with this condition, understand fully the set of challenges that comes along with it, for the child, and for the other family members. It's because of those challenges that my oldest son always seemed to be the one we turned to when we needed something, because if I'm being honest, it was just easier than getting his brother to do it. We could always count on him to be responsible, reliable and trustworthy, so unfortunately (or maybe, fortunately) for him, he was made to do the majority of the work and was always held to a higher standard than his brother. What a huge responsibility that placed on his shoulders and what a huge disservice that was to his brother. How completely and utterly unfair of us. Yes, indeed, hindsight is 20/20 vision.

So while we continued to deal with the chaos of our middle son's reality, our oldest dealt with us, and all that we put on him over the years. That is, until he reached his teens. Once he decided he'd had enough, he'd truly had enough, and he set off on his own path to some pretty self destructive behaviors. Between the two older boys, going through their teens, there were some crazy hard years in this family. The anger, the stress, the depression, the fear, the uncertainty and the lack of control, none of it was anything I had ever imagined parenting would be. Thank God we don't skip right from newborn to teenager! We have many years in between to bond, to learn and to ultimately begin the slow process of letting go.

I'm happy to say that both of my older boys have grown into wonderful, caring, responsible men with hearts so loving that it makes me cry sometimes when I think of them and how much I love them. They both have beautiful girls of their own and my middle son is expecting a little boy in a month or so. They have begun their own journeys into parenthood and I couldn't be prouder of them. One of the blessings of grandparenthood is to be able to take the gift of that 20/20 vision I spoke of earlier and bestow it upon your grandchildren. I hope I can help my boys navigate their own challenges with their kids when they arise, with all of the wisdom that they've helped me to gain. That wisdom is too great a gift not to share.

In the meantime, when they were ages twelve and fourteen, along came our youngest. Yes, he was our OOPS! baby, and we've never regretted him for a second. He's now fifteen and knock on wood, despite what a challenging baby and toddler he was, his teens thus far have been mostly uneventful (notice I said, mostly!). I think part of the reason for this, is because he's growing up in a very different environment than his brothers did. It's only him, so there's not a lot of conflict that happens in the house from day to day. Really noone for him to argue with, other than the dog! Also, my husband and I are older, definitely wiser and much calmer than we were in our twenties and thirties.

Our youngest has had many benefits that our older boys didn't, and because of this, seems to be a pretty happy, sensible, well grounded kid. He doesn't give us much cause for worry (yet!), but having been down this road before, I always wonder what's coming around the corner. I always question if I'm missing something. I worry that the outside influences that come knocking around this age will find him and that smart, sensible kid we all know and love, will disappear in the blink of an eye.

As a parent, you always wonder if you're doing the right things. Are you teaching the right lessons? Are you instilling the strengths and the positive outlook that will ultimately carry your child through? Are you giving them the tools they need to be healthy, well adjusted adults? You wonder.

And then, early one morning, as you're in the bathroom getting ready for the day to begin, you hear your fifteen year old son scream loudly, "MOM! Come here quick!". So you drop the hair dryer and run, heart and mind racing, to go find him and see what's wrong. You find him and anxiously ask what the urgency is. Then he takes you by the arm, gently leads you to the window, points to the sky which is absolutely on fire with brilliant shades of orange, pink and purple and says, "Look at the sunrise! Isn't it puuurty?".

And in that moment, the wondering stops. You feel a little tear find it's way to your eye, your heart fills with gratitude and an overwhelming sense that maybe, just maybe, you're doing something right.

What a ride...

xo,
Carrie