Goodbye Miss H.

I lost my friend, an old client of mine, Miss H. I've written about her in this blog before, I believe one of the posts was entitled Miss H if you'd like to look it up.

I hadn't spoken to her in a few months and when I didn't hear from her on my birthday, I found it odd. She always called on my birthday and while she could be a bit "foggy" about certain things, this woman remembered dates like noone I've ever met. Her birthday is six days after mine and we'd discussed going out to lunch to celebrate together so I called her to set a date. There was no answer when I called, so I tried her cell...disconnected. I tried the house again and it just rang and rang. I continued to let it ring, hoping I would hear her voice on the answering machine message that assured there was no problem too great for God before prompting you to leave your name and number, but nothing.

I didn't have a good feeling but thought perhaps she was back in the hospital, something that happened on a regular basis when I was with her. I tried again a few days later but got the same. I tried to convince myself that maybe she'd finally given in to her family's desire to have her move back home to Florida. She would tell me, "I love my family, but I love them more from Connecticut!"

Well, I ran into an old classmate of mine while grocery shopping the other day who lived in the same building as Miss H and before I could even ask she said, "I couldn't believe about Miss H's passing, I didn't realize she was that sick". I felt a lump forming in my throat, you know, the lump that comes when you want to cry but hold it back? I asked for details and all she knew was that someone had found her in her apartment, an apparent heart attack. I paid for my groceries, and as I walked out into the parking lot, the tears started streaming.

Miss H had more health issues than I could list right now and the list of medications she would bring to the weekly doctor appointments I would accompany her to was astonishing to me. I didn't know how anyone could be taking that much medication and still walk and talk! In reality, it's not surprising that she has passed. She knew she wasn't going to live to be old and gray. I know that it was the medication that kept her alive as long as it did. That and her iron will.

As I look back on our time together and remember all the fun we had and the closeness we developed, I can only pray that I can add that to her long list of medications. I hope that the love I felt for a woman, who didn't have alot of that in her life, contributed to her time on this earth.

I'll miss you Miss H, I'm glad you're back home with your family in Florida and every year when our birthdays roll around, I'll be thinking of you.

Today I'll end this blog the way Miss H would end every conversation...

Have a blessed day,
Carrie

The Invitation

For those of us who need the reminder, one of my all time favorites by Oriah Mountain Dreamer -

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from it's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver moon, 'Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

xo,
Carrie

God Bless

I went to a particularly sad funeral this past weekend. My brother's wife lost her youngest sister to suicide. Her name was Rose and she was forty-nine years old with a husband, two daughters, ages fifteen and sixteen, and a step son whose age I'm unsure of but appeared to be early twenties, if even. I don't know if she had ever been given a clinical diagnosis but I knew, through my sister-in-law, that she had struggled for many years with depression.

The service was beautiful. It was held right at the cemetary and it was a lovely day. Things were suppose to begin at 1:00 but didn't get underway until more like 1:30 because the people just kept coming...and coming. As you walked toward the people who had begun to form a circle around her casket, you were given a single, fragrant rose. When we got closer to the casket and found our place in the circle, we could see the beautiful roses engraved in it's pewter looking sides. A fitting tribute.

As the two guitars and bongo drums began to play softly and two young teenage girls stepped up to the microphone and began to sing a rendition of Carole King's song So Far Away, I began to feel the heaviness of the occasion. There we were, all six hundred and fifty of us, under sunny skies with a hint of a cool breeze blowing the pedals of our roses, to pay final tribute to a woman who was never able to feel her own worth.

I noticed as the singing began that a big, fat hawk had landed on a tree branch across the way. I asked my husband to confirm that the tears in my eyes were not clouding my vision. "Nope! That is a HUGE hawk.". There he sat with his watchful eye, until the last chord was strum and the last word was spoken. I wanted to tell the girls that the messenger had come. I wanted them to know to be on the lookout for the messages that would surely be coming from their mom, but I didn't feel that I knew them well enough to know how my words would be received, so I stayed silent.

I've been, as we all have, to some very sad memorial services. There was my husband's best friend when we were younger, then his best friend's brother a few years later. A friend with AIDS, my husband's seventeen year old cousin. One of my best friend's eight year old son, friend's of ours eight month old baby and of course you all know how hard my mom's passing was for me.

I worked with a wonderfully sweet girl some years ago who was about to be married. People had started arriving from out of town for the joyous occasion and the celebrations had begun. The wedding was to be on Saturday and Thursday morning we got a phone call from her mom saying she'd been in a terrible accident on her way home from work the night before. By days end on Thursday, she was gone. The friends and family that were here to celebrate her wedding were now attending her funeral. I remember seeing her fiance's face at the gathering after the funeral, a look I've yet to forget. That was a hard one for sure.

All of these services were extremely heart breaking in their own ways but there's something about knowing that Rose had died at her own hand, that she felt her life had no value and that the love and friendship of these six hundred and fifty people could not penetrate the black hole that was her reality, that left me feeling a unique sadness. A unique sadness and a powerful gratitude that no matter how low I've been in my life, I have never known the desire to end it. At one point during her daughter's eulogy as she recounted some of the fun, happy memories she has of her mom, she said, "My mother always loved us more than she ever loved herself" and those words make Rose's service stand out among the rest.

As we stood and listened as James Taylor's You've got a Friend was sung, I couldn't help but hope that the legacy she had left behind for her girls was worth it. I raised my head and stared at the many faces who had come to say goodbye and couldn't help but hope that Rose could see how many people's lives she had touched with the beauty she could never sense in herself. I hoped that her darkness had transcended into the light and I prayed that she was at peace.

I pray that you're at peace Rose. God Bless.

xo,
Carrie

Alone vs. Lonely

My husband travels once a year to Montana for a big elk hunting trip with his buddies. It used to be for about nine or ten days, but in the past few years it has gradually gone from nine or ten, to eleven, then twelve, now this year it's thirteen. Two weeks in my book! He looks forward to this trip every year and people think I'm the most understanding wife in the world for allowing it to happen year after year. Truth be told, I don't deserve that title because I really enjoy our time apart!

Now before you go spreading any rumors, let me clarify. I met my husband when I was fifteen years old and minus a short lived break up or two (or three or four), we've been together ever since. We married when I was twenty one and a few short months later our oldest son was born. I've never known a time when my life's decisions didn't potentially require a compromise, having gone from living in my parents home to living with my husband. No college dorm living, no moving in with a girlfriend or two, no real sense of living my life on my terms, and noone elses. And of course once children come into the picture, any sense of freedom you feel goes away for a lonnnnng time!

When our children were younger, the Montana trip wasn't happening yet but my husband did travel. It was either a trip for work or an occasional vacation with a friend. I didn't enjoy our time apart then because there was too much resentment involved. All the responsibilities of caring for young children fell on my shoulders while he was gone, and I didn't understand why his choice to participate in these types of things was still an option when I felt mine had been taken away with the birth of our kids. Maybe that wasn't the case, but...well, it's a mother thing!

Fast forward to today and the feeling is so much different. Our youngest is fourteen and extremely self sufficient so I don't feel any kind of a burden when he's gone now unless something unforseen happens. Just the opposite, I feel that sense of freedom that I never experienced in my younger years.

Now, this isn't about wanting to go out and party 'til all hours of the morning (any more), this is about getting to make choices like coming home at 9:30 from a meeting, as I did last night, and putzing around the house making noise until 10:30, then going up to the bedroom and putting the tv on while I put away the folded clothes that still lay on my bed without worrying about disturbing my sleeping husband (who usually goes to bed by 8:00 during the week).

This is about getting to watch ANYTHING on the tv that I want, no matter how "girly" without a fight over the remote or having to listen to the God awful, testosterone filled shows that my husband chooses to watch every night of the week. It's about watering the flowers when I feel like it, without having to worry about getting "the look" when he gets home from work if it's not done. Or it's about cooking what I want, and eating when I want, without any feeling of guilt about my choices.

I could go on and on, but I'm sure you've gotten my point. For someone who's made the life choices that I have (and don't regret them for a second), it's a really nice change of pace to feel like you have total control over your time, and other than negotiating with a fourteen year old now and again, knowing that for a short while, compromise is not in the equation. There is also a sense of accomplishment when you don't rely on anyone but yourself and I rather enjoy that feeling.

Now of course, the only reason I'm able to feel such a wonderful sense of freedom when he goes is because I know he's coming back in two weeks. This is not a permanent situation, he hasn't gone for good, and I can look forward to all the wonderful things our life together brings when he returns. There is a huge difference between being left alone once a year and being lonely because you've been left behind by a loved one. That kind of freedom is as my Mom used to say, a horse of a different color, and my heart goes out to all that must endure it. I pray that if and when the day comes that I'm faced with that kind of aloneness, some of the feelings I speak of today will find their way back to me.

Anyone know what time Dancing with the Stars starts? TeeHeeHee...

xo,
Carrie

Politics and Emails

Periodically I get politically motivated emails. Not too many, because I've requested that they not be sent to me, but once in a while one will come through. I received one the other day that spoke about the state of our economy, the state of our world, and then it proceeded to bash our president for the job he's doing/not doing for the american people. The sender added their two cents and then went on to say that we need to leave a better legacy for our children.

I don't speak of politics much, maybe because I feel like most people who want to discuss them really don't want to discuss them, they want to argue their point. That's fine if you're someone who enjoys getting into that kind of debate, but I'm not. I believe we're all entitled to our opinion, and blessed beyond belief that we live in a country where we get to express our beliefs without being beheaded!

At any rate, the following was my response to this email. And while there's certainly more to how I feel about the legacy I leave to my children, I felt this was all I needed to say...

"I think the greatest legacy we can leave for our children is the ability to be optimistic, grateful and joyful. To realize the importance of living in the now, knowing that tomorrow is not promised and to leave the judging to the powers that be (and by this, I don't mean earthly powers). We need to teach them to be open, willing to listen, to seek the positive in ALL situations and to always check in with their hearts before making choices about anything, not just politics. They need to learn how NOT to buy into the many frenzies the media likes to cause in regards to the state of our country (and everything else they like to bait us with), and most importantly to have faith in people. We humans are nothing if not resilient, and life is much too precious to allow yourself to bask in the negative."

Hope you have a wonderful day, the weather out there is absolutely glorious!

xo,
Carrie

Blessings in Disguise

I went to my girlfriend's fortieth birthday party last Saturday. This party had been in planning mode for several months and my girlfriend did much of the planning/organizing herself. Friends of hers had offered their home, a beautiful spot that had that renovated old farmhouse kind of feel to it. Next to the house was a long dirt road that led to a huge open field which is where the party was to take place. A live band was booked so alot of time and energy went into making sure they would have power, which they did, thanks to my husband and a few others.

I arrived early with my husband so I could help with the set up process while he played with electricity. There were a few others there helping, as well as my girlfriend herself. We have a big party every October with live music so I understand completely how vital those last couple of hours are before the guests start arriving. I love that time right before the party starts, when you've got a cold drink in your hand, the final touches are being put into place, and you're able to look around and see how all of your hard work has come together... before everything gets trashed!

The set up process on Saturday was more work than most parties I've assisted with as there were alot of trips back and forth from the house, up the dirt road, to the field, down the dirt road and back to the house! It was a hot, muggy day with showers forecasted for some time that evening but everyone was just hoping for the best. Mother Nature is going to do what she wants, when she wants, and that's all there is to that!

The party got started slowly but surely as people trickled in. The band arrived and took what seemed like a very long time to set up (almost two hours). Eventually the big open field didn't seem so open any more as more people arrived, placing their chairs and various belongings on the grass. The caterer arrived as scheduled and food began to be put out on the waiting tables. A few more trips up and down the dirt road as the food in the kitchen was added to what the caterer brought. Let's see...pulled pork, barbequed chicken, beef tips, macaroni and cheese, pasta, salad, cole slaw, potato salad (and more potato salad!), black bean salad, rolls, corn bread and probably something I've forgotten...YUM! Dinner was served!

Everyone was settled, people were eating and drinking and the music began to play. It was official, my girlfriend's celebration was under way! As I looked around at all the smiling faces I felt like the many hours she had spent thinking and stressing and planning and executing, had paid off and I knew she must have been filled with happiness and a sense of pride at that moment, knowing that it all came together so perfectly.

People finished eating and the band was now in full swing. The dancing had begun and the beer was flowing. As I sat chatting with some neighbors I felt a raindrop. No big deal I thought, just a passing shower. A few more, then a few more. No big deal, people are still dancing and noone's going to melt. Then it started to come down a bit harder. Not enough rain to end the party but people were now seeking shelter under the tents which housed the food, or in the wooden gazebo that stood on the grounds, putting on raincoats and holding umbrellas. That's how it went for a bit and then the skies opened up. The band stopped playing and several of us started treking down the dirt path food in hand... Oh crap! Time to move the party indoors.

Some people left, but little by little the kitchen started filling up with bodies. Womens hair-dos, now lay flat and dripping water down the sides of their faces. Soggy desserts were being placed on the kitchen table and the tell tale sign of a rainstorm, muddy footprints, led from the kitchen door across the floor into various rooms of the house. One thing stayed the same though, well maybe two - smiles were still planted on everyone's face, including the birthday girls, and the beer was still flowing!

Pretty soon people had found a place to plant themselves. Whether the kitchen, the play room with their kids, the living room or the outdoor porch, which was protected from the rain by an overhang, everyone seemed settled and happy. Yay! I thought, party...one, rain...zero! Shortly after the move inside I noticed the members of the band were still there. They had decided to set up on the porch and play an acoustic set or two.

The music began, suddenly the porch was overflowing with people and the rain drenched air filled with the sound of voices. Out on that huge field, people had settled into visiting with groups they felt comfortable with, but here, not only were the different groups of people mingling, they were combining their voices in a good old fashioned sing-along!

The rain continued for hours and so did the music and the singing. It was honestly the best time I've had at a party in ages. It reminded me of what my household sounded like as a kid growing up. All of our family parties at some point or another turned into a sing-along, accomanied by an instrument or two, and there's really nothing that brings me the same kind of warm feeling as the intimate sound of voices coming together in such a joyful way.

So the next time life is raining down on you in buckets, whether literally or figuratively, look for the hidden blessings because more often than not, they arrive in disguise.

xo,
Carrie

Heaven is for Real

I'm not a big book reader, even magazines I tend to skim through to the parts that look interesting to me and avoid the rest. Reading is something I want to do more of, and tell myself I should do more of, especially since I believe it helps your mind to stay sharp as you age.

A popular book store called Borders is going out of business so I decided to go see if I could find any good deals. As you know, I run a daycare, so I was hoping to stock up on some children's books. As I walked the aisles, I spotted a book that I recognized as one a woman who I went on retreat with last winter was reading at the time, so I picked it up. The title was Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo.

The book is a true story of a little boy named Colton Burpo who came close to death when he suffered a ruptured appendix. He survived, despite the doctor's belief that he would not. And in the months and years to come after his near death experience, he started relaying to his parents where he had been and what he had seen as he lay on the operating table, under sedation, while the surgeon cleaned his abdomen of the poisons that had been leaking into it for five days. The first discovery that something extraordinary had happened to him went like this...

"Sometimes laughter is the only way to process tough times, so as we passed the turnoff, I decided to rib Colton a little. "Hey Colton, if we turn here, we can go back to the hospital," I said. "Do you want to go back to the hospital?" Our preschooler giggled in the dark. "No, Daddy, don't send me! Send Cassie...Cassie can go to the hospital!"

Sitting next to him, his sister laughed. "Nuh-uh! I don't wanna go either!" In the passenger seat, Sonja turned so that she could see our son, whose car seat was parked behind mine. I pictured his blond crew cut and his sky blue eyes shining in the dark. "Do you remember the hospital, Colton?" Sonja said. "Yes, Mommy, I remember," he said. "That's where the angels sang to me." Inside the Expedition, time froze. Sonja and I looked at each other, passing a silent message: Did he just say what I think he said?"

I'm sure there are lots of books out there that depict people's near death experiences, but the fact that this all came from such a young child, for me, makes it all the more fascinating, touching, believable. I read the book in a day and a half and if you, like myself, struggle with doubt when it comes to God and heaven, I would highly recommend this book. I will warn however, that there were a few times when I had to put it down, as it brought me to tears.

I've so desperately wanted to believe that the tears streaming down my Mom's face as she left this earth were tears of joy for the beauty she was entering into rather than tears of sadness for what she was leaving behind. Now I know.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

xo,
Carrie

Ewwwwwwwwww!!!

Since I've begun on my journey of becoming gluten free and attempting to eat healthier, my home away from home (I'm literally there about five times a week) has become Whole Foods Supermarket. It's made eating this way so much easier and I can honestly say I always love going there as you never know what you'll find in their cases, on the salad bar or on the hot food bar (although the hot food bar is never particularly healthy).
The help is always so friendly at Whole Foods and well, helpful! Honestly, there is not another place I shop where the employees are always so accessible and willing to make sure you are informed and get what you need.

I was there last night and there was a woman at the deli counter ordering meats who had not grabbed a carriage and her hands were full of things. This is a mistake I make often, believing that I'm just running in for one or two things but trust me, just grab a carriage when you go there! Anyway, this woman was being what I would describe as slightly difficult. Oh, who am I kidding? She was a big fat pain in the ass! I was getting annoyed just listening to her but the man behind the counter handled her beautifully. He met every one of her unreasonable requests as she stood and complained and then, without being prompted, he asked if he could go get her a cart! The man behind the deli counter left and went and got this woman a cart!!! I'm telling you, the place is amazing and what I would imagine grocery shopping in heaven would be like. :-)

So as I said, I was there last night just picking up a few things after a long day at the beach. I was tired and hungry as the food options at my friend's cottage were not ones I could eat. I got what I needed and as I was going to check out I remembered my son hadn't eaten dinner so I went to the hot food bar and started loading up my container with some mashed potatoes and mac and cheese, two of his favorites, when I saw it. I had to stare long and hard to make absolutely positive.

My heart began to race as I stood there not knowing what to do. Should I scream? No, I should look for someone to tell quietly so as not to start a riot at the hot foods section in this little slice of heaven of mine! To my horror, I was undeniably watching a COCKROACH run back and forth on the metal part behind the food bins. One big cockroach, then suddenly a very tiny one, and another, and another coming out of where one metal piece connects to another. They'd appear, then go back in.

My eyes were darting back and forth between watching them to make sure they weren't going near the food and trying to find an employee to show my discovery to. Seemed like forever but one finally walked by (an employee, not a cockroach). She must have noticed the desperation in my eyes as I put my arm around her and swept her quickly toward the food bar because she looked a little concerned as she asked what she could do for me. I pointed and whispered, "I think you have a problem". She gasped in horror and said, "Oh my GOD, I'll go get someone right away"! I nodded and walked away as I didn't want to witness what was coming next.

I paid for my groceries and drove home feeling a little sick to my stomach with one thought in mind the whole way...Ewwwwwwwwww!!! And it's still there...Ewwwwwwwwww!!! My bubble is burst. There is no heaven on earth and nothing is ever as it appears. Oh well, a gals got to eat though so I will suck it up, realizing that it's probably more common in the food industry than I'd like to believe and I will be at Whole Foods purchasing lunch stuff today. You can bet it won't be from the hot food bar however!

EWWWWWWWWW!!!

xo,
Carrie

The Calm

It's 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and the sun is shining. It rained last night so everything outside is glistening. My husband's catching up on some sleep, my son slept over a friend's house and the dog doesn't move until my husband does! The only sound I hear is that of the washing machine that's buzzing behind me (these machines are much quieter than they used to be) and the occasional car passing by. I'm reminded of how blissful the calm is.

Life has been hard for the past several months. It's been in one of those states of upheaval, transition, disarray, call it what you want. One of those scary places when something that has meant so much to you, brought you so much joy and contentment is transforming and there's nothing you can control about the situation other than your reaction to it.

Life is always bringing itself forward to a new normal. Whether it's positive or negative change, life is always moving into a different place and therefore we are always evolving into a newer, wiser version of ourselves. The revised version! It's very difficult to move through the evolution sometimes remaining centered and remembering that this too shall pass. No matter what life throws at us we have the ability to choose how we want to ride out the storm. Staying true to who you are at your core is key. It's not even about what you believe because as life throws change at us, what we believe can change too. Who we are at our soul level is what matters.

I choose love. I choose to attempt to show love as best I can through any turmoil that arises in my life. I choose to be love. I don't know what else to be BUT that, especially during painful times of transition. When everything is whirling out of control around you and you feel like there's nothing you can do, just be love. It's a choice you will never regret.

I had forgotten how blissful the calm is.

xo,
Carrie

Sorry about the format of my previous post. The site is not letting me make paragraphs and I don't know why! Oh well...

Let go and Let God

Let go and let God. A beautiful phrase that I learned alot about when my son was in the throws of his heroin addiction. A beautiful phrase that I've yet to master. Maybe the reason for that is because in order to actually do that it needs to be more than a beautiful phrase, it needs to be an action. For me, in order to let go and let God you need to work to make God a daily presence in your life. You need to take time out every single day to connect with your creator. Whether it's to pray, to meditate, to create something you love or to be still and just listen. It doesn't matter what the tools are that you use as long as you make the effort to make the connection consistently. It's hard enough to let go of situations that are beyond our control, let alone give them up to a Higher Power that we have no relationship with. That would make no sense. So much about God doesn't make sense. I think that's why so many people struggle with their faith. Me personally, I go in and out of my relationship with God. I was raised a catholic but I haven't continued to embrace catholicism. I was in church with my son years ago and the priest made an announcement that prior to going downstairs for coffee and donuts, there was a petition he wanted us all to sign. The petition was in support of anti-abortion laws and I couldn't sign it. As we rounded the corner to head down the stairs my son reminded me that my signature was required and I told him I wasn't going to sign it, which of course led to a discussion as to why. I was happy to have that conversation with him but not so happy to bring him back. There have been times when I've been very involved with a church body and my connection with God always feels stronger to me when I am, but inevitably something happens like the petition or the last church I was involved with had a guest speaker who was highly regarded in the Christian faith and during his Sunday morning speech to us he referred to lesbians as witches. Needless to say, that didn't sit well with me and it wasn't long after that when I decided I didn't need to return. That was around the time that Mom died about a year and a half ago and I haven't been involved with a church since. When I'm not involved with a church group I tend to question my belief system and I drift slowly away from God but it usually leads me to some new place in my spirituality. Right now I'm in the wandering stage. Easter Sunday is coming up in a few weeks and I know last year I was very moved (as I shared with you) by the outdoor sunrise service at a local park. I think I'll attend again this year and see what comes of it. Let go and let God. Sometimes in life a situation arises where that's really your only alternative. You've said all you can say, you've done all you can do and it's not helped to create the outcome that your heart desires. Being on the outside looking in at a situation involving people you love wholeheartedly who are suffering and knowing you can't do a thing to ease the pain is one of the times when that beautiful phrase needs to be put into action. Let go and let God. Sometimes it's just so damn hard. xo, Carrie

Blind Faith

As you probably know about me already, I'm a huge advocate of faith. Life is always testing our faith. Always testing our ability to believe in something that we can't find any evidence of with our five senses.

What's the difference between being hopeful or optimistic and blind faith? I'm not sure, but to me it's the severity of the situation at hand. You can be optimistic that you'll find a good parking spot at the mall and that they will still have your favorite lipstick in stock when you get inside. You can be hopeful that your child will be picked for the sports team or chorus that he wants to be a part of, etc.. Blind faith isn't really a requirement in those types of situations because you don't have alot to lose if it doesn't pan out.

When a situation arises in life that is heartbreakingly difficult, a situation that you know will be life altering if it doesn't go the way you pray it will, a situation that really knocks you for a loop because it seems to have come out of nowhere, that's when you need to call on blind faith. When the situation at hand is one you have no control over and leaves you sleepless by night and fighting back the tears by day because you just can't fathom the change that could be coming down the pike, that's when you need to have blind faith.

You can't see it, you can't hear it, you can't smell it, you can't taste it and you can't feel it, at least not with your fingertips, but you believe in it anyway. The only evidence you have points in the opposite direction of what your heart is hoping for, you believe anyway.

How do you do that? How do you have blind faith? Simple - you don't have a choice, because to allow yourself to believe anything but the best possible outcome is too devastating a choice and too detramental to your well being. Blind faith is easier than the alternative.

Believe...

xo,
Carrie

Her Love

My aunt in Florida did pass away this week and it has me thinking alot about Mom and what we went through when she left us. It occurred to me that I don't think I've shared what I wrote for her funeral so I'll do that now -

I have memories of my mom, although as I age they seem to become fewer and fewer. I can't remember her holding me as a baby or playing with me as a toddler. I can't remember all the lullabies though I know they were sung, or many of the bedtime stories that were a nightly ritual, but I remember her love.

I do remember the smell of bacon frying coming from the kitchen and fresh squeezed orange juice on a Sunday morning. I can hardly remember my school days but I do remember running home from elementary school one morning in tears simply because I missed her. When I arrived home her response was, "Did that mean girl throw a snowball at you?" and when I told her I simply missed her she gave me a big hug and let me stay home from school that day. I remember her love.

I know in my heart that our connection will live way beyond our time on this earth, I just wish I knew how. Maybe she'll be the wind and I'll be the cattails on the shore bending in her breeze. Or maybe she'll be the ocean and I'll be the sand and we'll be locked in a constant embrace. Perhaps I'll be the animal in need of shelter and she'll be the Oak tree offering up her shade. She was always good at being my shelter.

I know we will find eachother again but in the meantime, who will love me as she did? Who will be able to put my thoughts into words when I can't seem to find the right ones? Who will know my heart before I even speak it? Who will feel my pain as strongly as I do or cry my tears as if they were her own?

I've been cradled in her love since the moment I was conceived. There is no love like a mother's love. There is no love like MY mother's love. I may not remember every detail of my life with her but I do remember her love...and always will. -

I think it's important to mention that after I read this and was heading back to my seat in the church, I stopped off to give my dad a hug and he looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm going to try.". God, I love that man.

xo,
Carrie

Fed up!

I've been sick with a cold for the past few days and I have something to say...what the frig does it take for a gal to get some TLC around here?! My husband is too concerned about getting sick himself to come anywhere near me and my thirteen year old is too involved in his, "Yes, the world DOES revolve around me thank you very much" stage to offer compassion. As a matter of fact, I was on his poop list last night when I refused to get my sick butt up out of bed to drive him to the store for a video game; "Come on! It will only take a few minutes, you won't even have to get out of the car! Don't you know I have NO games left for my Xbox?!" I finally had to kick him out of my room.

I understand fully that for the most part, females are the nurturers of this world. It's what we do, it's what comes naturally and it's what feeds our souls BUT, as I said to my husband last night, "Is it too much to think that perhaps you'd inquire as to whether I needed something? A glass of ice water perhaps? You wouldn't even need to come in the bedroom, you could pass it through the door! Or better yet, give it to our son to bring in to me, he'd be all too happy to come back in here for another shot at me.".

This has been a rough, cold, snowy winter and I'm over it. Thankfully my annual retreat is coming up in a couple of weeks and while every year I look forward to it, this year it seems like a saving grace because it's official - I've reached that mid winter place where I am fed up with everything and everyone. No...that's a lie...not everyone, just a select few!

xo,
Carrie

Random Thoughts

Superbowl Sunday, 2011!

Oh the excitement that football fans must be feeling today! That excitement is not really brewing in my household. I'm not a sports loving kind of girl, unless it's my child or someone I know playing in the game. My husband enjoys football but he's not a fanatic like alot of people I know. Now when baseball season rolls around, that will be a different story.

I'll enjoy the socialization today brings more than the actual reason for it. We'll be going to a neighbors house with several other friends for lots of food, drink, conversation and a nice fire going in the fire place. The kids will all come equipped with quarters for the football pool, betting grid thing (no, I'm not a gambler, can you tell?) and when one of them wins the adults will cheer and the other kids will most likely be mumbling something under their breath about it not being fair. Losing graciously is hard and hopefully something learned with age.

It's a beautiful day today. Only in mid-winter would you hear me refer to a sunny day with a high of forty degrees as beautiful, but in comparison to what we've been dealing with and what's still ahead of us for at least a few more weeks, I'll take it. Oh, and that reminds me, my quoting the weatherman as saying this is the snowiest winter on record for us the other day was inaccurate. Apparently they said they felt we would surpass that record before winter's end. Sorry! I was intending to take a walk today but after an hour and a half of yoga this morning and now starting to feel like I might be coming down with something, I don't think it's going to happen.

I had a dream about my mom last night. I love when that happens because the dreams of her are becoming fewer and farther between. I adore hearing her voice. Last night she was yelling at my dad for not having gas in the car or some such thing. I miss them bickering affectionately.

My dad called me last night to tell me that my aunt, his brother's wife, was on her death bed in a hospital in Florida. I guess she was having severe pain in her abdomen so my uncle took her to the hospital. They found a large, inoperable blockage in her colon so they are keeping her as comfortable as possible while everyone sits and waits. I remember that waiting well. The thought of my uncle down there without much family around to support him through this makes me sad. He has one son who lives locally with his wife and that's it. If you've been reading my blog from the beginning then you know the kind of support my dad had when mom died. What a blessing.

You know that saying, "There are no coincidences"? Well not knowing this would be happening with my aunt, just last week my dad, who has not been to Florida to visit his brother in years, told me he'd booked a trip for the beginning of next month. I'm glad he'll be going as I think he's the perfect person to help my uncle get through these first few weeks without my aunt. He knows that lonliness all too well. I think the people who are able to support us best through hard times are the ones who have lived through what we're experiencing. In keeping with that thought (no coincidences), I don't think it was coincidental that my mom just happened to show up in my dream the same night I learned that my aunt was dying. I'm glad my aunt won't face what comes next alone.

Hope you're enjoying this sunny Sunday. GO TEAM!!!

xo,
Carrie

True Love

Marriage, well, any long term relationship, is extremely challenging. As someone who has been married for almost twenty nine years and with the same man for thirty five, I understand fully how difficult staying connected emotionally can be. Without going off on a long winded tangent about what these years have taught me I'll simply say that like so many things in life, true love comes and goes. It ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes and when it seems like it's disappeared for good, if you can hang on long enough it will resurface. Perhaps in a different form, but usually stronger and wiser.

Forever is a very long time and in our younger years when most of us think we're ready for a long term committment, we really have no idea what that word means. Life teaches us though and it can certainly be a harsh teacher at times. If true love is to prevail, it will not be without doing battle. We seem to think we're alone in that battle when we're going through it but I have seen it play out over and over again in just about every couple's relationship that I know. The most common battle I've seen is between the reality of true love and the notion of romantic love and that is a nasty battle for sure. Sometimes true love wins and sadly, often it doesn't. The pull for romantic love can be a strong one, especially when you're younger. Something to do with those pesky things we call hormones I think!

The following is something I wrote when someone I care about very much was facing that battle. I'm happy to report that true love won out and the imposter that the notion of romantic love is was exposed. Given enough time, it usually is.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER

Where have you been as she's traveled this path
Holding onto love she feels wasn't meant to last
Wanting so desperately to believe in the lie
Willingly watching as her life passes her by

Going with the flow as the days turn into years
Telling herself all the things she ever needs to hear
Convincing her heart this is how love's suppose to be
Maybe you'll be a good enough reason to allow herself to leave

You're just a beautiful stranger, that's what you are
You're every bit as elusive as a shooting star
Shining your light all across her sky
She'll take what you're offering before you pass on by

Starting to feel what she's denied for so long
She's not sure how this love of hers turned so wrong
Maybe you have been her truth all along
Or maybe you're just good material for another sad love song

It's been so long that she's lived like this
Never imagined her wake up call would be held in your kiss
Where have you been as she's longed and she's waited
Standing idly by as her dream for romantic love faded

You're just a beautiful stranger, that's what you are
You're every bit as elusive as a shooting star
She's not able to grab you, but she believes you're real
Stirring things up in her that she'd forgotten how to feel

She's been so disconnected from what matters to her
Feeling not rocking the boat has been the better choice for sure
How can she walk away and ignore what others need
To keep their worlds afloat and their hearts in one piece

Those little lives depend on her to keep them whole
She's trying her best to do it but it's taking it's toll
I pray she doesn't sacrifice it all and act in haste
Because the love they bring to her, you can never replace

You're just a beautiful stranger, you know you can't be more
So let her hold you close before you walk out that door
Remind her for a little while how good lovin's suppose to feel
But remind her that tonight's goodbye is part of this deal

True love's reality is never what you think it will be
Or maybe love's forever can't compare to being free
So slowly she's found other ways to fill the void
Not giving true love a chance to fill the emptiness with joy

Then she starts to believe that it's not enough
Going through the motions starts to get so tough
And then one day she sees what she wants in a stranger's smile
And realizes that feeling has been gone for a long, long while

She doesn't know if her life will ever change
Or if you met at another time things would be the same
She does remain hopeful true love's hold won't always burn
And keeps her heart open to the possibility that it will return

Eventually she'll be grateful for her time with you
Grateful for what this false connection's had the power to do
Don't ever convince yourself that you're more than what you are
It won't be long before you'll be someone else's shooting star

Oh beautiful stranger it's important that you know
Regardless of what she tells you she'll be just fine when you go
Your shooting star will pave the way for her true love to stay
It's time to take what you've been selling and be on your way

xo,
Carrie

Mother Earth

The date today is February 2nd and according to the news this morning this has been the snowiest winter on record, EVER for our state. They said we've had more snow here than in Siberia so far this winter. Now there's an encouraging fact! The kids are home from school for the second day in a row due to the weather and I've lost track of how many snow days they've had so far this year.

There are few things more beautiful than the earth blanketed by a freshly fallen snow, especially when it really sticks to everything. I love looking out and seeing all of the tree branches and bushes covered in snow. Then of course if you're lucky enough to have the sun's rays illuminate it all, the sight is just breathtaking.

We have two bird feeders right outside our kitchen window and I've really enjoyed watching the birds come to feed this winter. Most come to eat but the Morning Doves have come a few times now just seeking shelter from the storm. They huddle up underneath the slight overhang on the feeder and wait for the snow to subside. I hate to tell them but at this rate, they'll be here until spring!

I'm not really a winter person. I hate being cold and I'm not into winter sports. Other than walking the kids to and from school or walking back and forth to my car I watch the winter from inside of my house. I definitely start to disconnect from the outside world once winter rolls around and usually by now I can feel a slight depression settling in as I start to long for some connection with Mother Earth. Every year I tell myself I'm going to plan a winter vacation to somewhere warm but alas, here I sit. I even went to Yankee Candle the other day out of desperation and purchased some candles with scents like lilac and green grass to see if that would help carry me through until I can smell the real deal!

I believe whole heartedly that we are connected to Mother Earth in ways that I don't fully understand. I don't know what that connection stems from but I know that all the technology in the world doesn't make me feel as fulfilled as a nice long walk in the fresh air or my bare feet walking across some plush grass or squishing my toes into the warm sand. All the money in the world doesn't make me feel as happy as the sound of the leaves of a tree rustling in the breeze or the ocean pounding onto the shore as the seagulls call to eachother overhead or a quiet stream trickling down a stony path. The smell of a candle can't compare to the smell of spring's flowers in full bloom, a freshly fallen rain or the ocean air.

Nothing can make you feel as connected, content and alive as Mother Earth herself. Something about the way her natural vibrations feed my energy or her still moments calm and soothe. Her natural resources grow the food that nourishes me and her beauty nourishes my soul. It's the oxygen she creates that allows my breath and without that I would not exist. Everything she offers has a life cycle and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in that.

I will leave you with something written by Larry P. Aitken from the Chippewa Indian tribe and in the meantime, I think I've just talked myself into the purchase of some snowshoes!

"We grieve more because we have been disconnected from our earth, our first mother, our spiritual mother."

"Many people are lost because they don't know the importance of connection to the earth. They connect to money, relationships, to success, to goals. When we are disconnected from the earth, we have feelings of being sad or lost. When we are connected to the earth, we feel warm and secure."

"Great spirit, help me to stay connected to Mother Earth."

xo,
Carrie

I'm Fifty

As the youngest of seven children I've always felt like I've had the advantage of feeling young, or at least younger! It's been a blessing to know that no matter what I've gone through as a young girl, teenager, young woman and now surpassing mid-life, that I have three older sisters who've been through what I'm experiencing to support me and three older brothers who've always had my back. I have always felt very loved and nurtured and like being the baby has been a special place of honor in my family.

Before I turned fifty a few months ago, lots of people asked me how I felt about it. How was I handling it? Was it a difficult birthday? Was I okay?. My standard answer was, "Compared to losing my mother, fifty is a piece of cake!". The actual number had not affected me, nor did I go through a "thing"on or prior to my birthday. Suddenly though, the reality of being fifty is catching up to me. Even as I write this, the reality is there every time I look down and see the wrinkled, aging hand that's holding the pen.

My cousin was here visiting on New Years day and snapped a few pictures of me with my granddaughters. She's very good at capturing real life through the lens. She was kind enough to email me the pictures and as I scrolled through them I felt a bit like that "thing" that people were referring to had found me. The first picture had me sitting on a couch in front of a picture window with lots of natural light pouring through onto my face. It was a beautiful shot but for what may have been the first time, I saw my age. It was there in the lines on my face and the sagging skin on my neck and chest.

As I sat staring at that photo, the reality of fifty started settling in. The aches and pains that I wake with every morning, the arthritis that's progressing in my right hip and the fatigue that sends me to bed by 8:30 p.m. most nights are here to stay. All the carrots in the produce aisle will not restore my ability to read fine print without the assistance of the "cheaters" that now reside in every room of the house. The elasticity of the skin on the the stomach that housed three children is now a thing of the past and I don't know whose thighs and rearend the benefits of exercise are benefitting but it doesn't appear to be mine!

The side effects of menopause seem to mandate serious re-evaluation of yourself, your life and what you now (as a woman) bring to the table as a wife, a partner, a lover and anyone who tells you that they have better sex in their fifties than they did when they were younger is lying!

The advantage of being the baby is now slowly morphing into a disadvantage as I'm forced to digest that the oldest is heading toward seventy and if the good Lord doesn't take me first I will have to endure the loss of my siblings and that is something I cannot even fathom.

No amount of make-up, hairdye or designer clothing will mask what the natural sunlight will reveal. I AM fifty years old and the only things that will make a difference now are how well I take care of myself, how much joy I bring into my life, how much I am loved and how deeply I love. This much I know - joy and love gives natural sunlight a run for it's money! Joy and love shine through at any age.

xo,
Carrie

Patience

Silent morning. Coffee in hand. Brand new journal with thoughts buried deep. Thoughts that won't surface yet, as if to say "You've neglected me so long, if you want me to come you'll need to show me that you still remember how to have the patience to wait".

Patience. Sitting still in the silence long enough to let the thoughts turn into words on paper. Do I? Do I remember how to shut all the other thoughts down in order to make way for what needs to come?

More silence. Radiators banging as the furnace works hard to heat the cold that night time has left behind. Grumbling stomach as it continues to attempt to digest last night's bad choice for dinner. Wood floor creaking as the dog trots by my bedroom door. Tenderness in my right hand as it realizes how long it's been since a pen has graced it's presence for longer than it takes to write a check or sign a credit card slip. Another sip...Mmmm!

Where have I been?

Husband
Teenager
Grown children with wives
Grandchildren
Father
Siblings
Nieces/Nephews
Friends
Kids from 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.
Gym
Computer
Television
Cell phone/Texting
Cleaning
Etc., etc., etc.

Oh, I see. I understand.

Patience. I know I'm in here, so I'll sit and I'll wait.

Patience and a good cup of coffee...this I can do!

xo,
Carrie