I'm Fifty

As the youngest of seven children I've always felt like I've had the advantage of feeling young, or at least younger! It's been a blessing to know that no matter what I've gone through as a young girl, teenager, young woman and now surpassing mid-life, that I have three older sisters who've been through what I'm experiencing to support me and three older brothers who've always had my back. I have always felt very loved and nurtured and like being the baby has been a special place of honor in my family.

Before I turned fifty a few months ago, lots of people asked me how I felt about it. How was I handling it? Was it a difficult birthday? Was I okay?. My standard answer was, "Compared to losing my mother, fifty is a piece of cake!". The actual number had not affected me, nor did I go through a "thing"on or prior to my birthday. Suddenly though, the reality of being fifty is catching up to me. Even as I write this, the reality is there every time I look down and see the wrinkled, aging hand that's holding the pen.

My cousin was here visiting on New Years day and snapped a few pictures of me with my granddaughters. She's very good at capturing real life through the lens. She was kind enough to email me the pictures and as I scrolled through them I felt a bit like that "thing" that people were referring to had found me. The first picture had me sitting on a couch in front of a picture window with lots of natural light pouring through onto my face. It was a beautiful shot but for what may have been the first time, I saw my age. It was there in the lines on my face and the sagging skin on my neck and chest.

As I sat staring at that photo, the reality of fifty started settling in. The aches and pains that I wake with every morning, the arthritis that's progressing in my right hip and the fatigue that sends me to bed by 8:30 p.m. most nights are here to stay. All the carrots in the produce aisle will not restore my ability to read fine print without the assistance of the "cheaters" that now reside in every room of the house. The elasticity of the skin on the the stomach that housed three children is now a thing of the past and I don't know whose thighs and rearend the benefits of exercise are benefitting but it doesn't appear to be mine!

The side effects of menopause seem to mandate serious re-evaluation of yourself, your life and what you now (as a woman) bring to the table as a wife, a partner, a lover and anyone who tells you that they have better sex in their fifties than they did when they were younger is lying!

The advantage of being the baby is now slowly morphing into a disadvantage as I'm forced to digest that the oldest is heading toward seventy and if the good Lord doesn't take me first I will have to endure the loss of my siblings and that is something I cannot even fathom.

No amount of make-up, hairdye or designer clothing will mask what the natural sunlight will reveal. I AM fifty years old and the only things that will make a difference now are how well I take care of myself, how much joy I bring into my life, how much I am loved and how deeply I love. This much I know - joy and love gives natural sunlight a run for it's money! Joy and love shine through at any age.

xo,
Carrie