Motherhood

Sitting in a quiet house on this rainy Mother's Day morning has me thinking about motherhood and all the lessons it's taught me.

Before I ever met my babies I felt a sense of protectiveness. You have no idea once they arrive how fierce that feeling will become or the lengths that you will go to in order to protect them but you learn very quickly the meaning of the term, "Don't mess with Mama Bear!" That feeling is such a powerful one that as they grow you begin to understand the lesson of restraint and how difficult it can be to balance those two.

Being a mom has taught me the importance of balance. The lesson of selflessness and putting your child's needs before your own must also be balanced with being selfish and knowing when you need "me time." Balance is key when you give so much.

When my kids were younger I learned lots of fun stuff like what it feels like to catch your child's throw-up in your cupped hands in an attempt to save the bedding, or how salty kisses are from a booger covered mouth, or where to draw the line when it comes to washing or throwing away poop filled clothing!

As they continue to grow you learn how to spot a lie or manipulation in the blink of an eye. You learn  to be a great detective and understand now how your own mother had eyes in the back of her head! Motherhood builds your intuition skills to epic proportions. And as they grow older still, you learn that sometimes we push that intuition away because frankly, sometimes it's just easier to not know, but it never goes away.

Being a mom has taught me how intense emotions can be when your heart is directly connected to another human being's. The pure joy that comes when they are happy, the pride that comes when you witness their achievements and growth. The all-consuming anger when you feel they are making harmful choices for themselves and when you are beginning to understand the importance of letting go but you're not quite ready to. The sadness and pain that takes your heart hostage when you know they are hurting and there's nothing you can do. Some lessons of motherhood you desperately wish you never had to learn.

I've learned the importance of being humble and honest and real with your kids, even when it feels very uncomfortable to do so. And that two little words, "I'm sorry", hold more healing power than a thousand explanations ever could.

So many lessons but for me, none more important than this - loving, accepting and supporting your kids in being who they truly are is much more important than my desires for who they become. And when you see them as beautiful, caring, loving adults you realize that's all you ever really wanted for them anyway.

And now that my kids are in various stages of adulthood I've learned that all of the times I thought they weren't paying attention, they were. And all of the times I thought my love wasn't enough, it was. And everything I've attempted to give and teach despite how difficult it felt at the time was worth the effort because what I've gotten in return is what sustains me in this life.

To my boys - thank you. I love you with all my heart.

Happy Mother's Day!

XO,
Carrie

Burning

I close my eyes knowing it's time for sleep. At least that's what the clock tells me. Dark sky, street lights on, no sound but the sound in my head. One word after the next, one sentence after the next, one paragraph turning into a conversation that I don't want to have with myself.

My mind is betraying me. My body is betraying me. The choices I've made from a place of love and compassion seem to be betraying me.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock. Snoring next to me, clearly his thoughts are not betraying him.

Tears want to come, but they don't. Cries for help want to come, but they don't. Panic is trying to come but I'm stronger now and I push it away. Breathing in - 2. 3. 4. - Breathing out - 2. 3. 4..

Tired. So very tired. I remind myself that morning will come. The sound of passing cars will return, the street lights will fade as will these thoughts. My breath will remain. In - 2. 3. 4. - Out - 2. 3. 4..

Would I do it all over again knowing the toll it's taking? Yes. I hear the words of Oriah Mountain Dreamer...

"It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the fire with me and not shrink back."

I am standing. And I am burning.

XO,
Carrie

No Joke!

When I heard Whoopi Goldberg on The View say that Menopause is no joke it really hit me, hard. The transitioning that takes place in this phase of life is not only no joke, it's transforming at the deepest level. Everything that your life has been up until this point needs to be re-worked. The dreams that have been set aside your whole life for one (very valid) reason or another must be re-visited with conviction, realizing that this IS your someday.

You spend your life nurturing and taking care of other people and their needs/wants/dreams and suddenly you realize that there's much more being left behind in Menopause than your ability to bear children. I won't ever get to fall in love for the first time again. What an amazing time that was. I'll never hold my baby in those first moments after giving birth and feel the wonder and magic of our eyes meeting for the first time. No more first days of school or conferences. No more concerts or feeling the emotions that come from listening to more than one hundred elementary school children singing "I Believe I Can Fly" as the butterflies they've grown and nurtured from eggs are set free and wondering in that moment how their little lives will play out. No more school supply lists or projects or shouting, "Great job!" from the side lines of whatever sport is being played this season. Holding hands at the doctor or dentist's office and trying to come up with reassuring words when you know that shot is only seconds away. Driving lessons in parking lots, then waiting nervously in a seat at the DMV's office as they head out with an instructor for their road test. Will it be a thumbs up or a thumbs down? A pass or fail? Elation or tears? Proms, graduations, college applications, they're all a thing of the past, of my past. These are only a few of the countless times being left behind.

Then there's the goodbyes. The goodbyes that begin with a trickle, then pick up speed at this stage of life. The goodbyes that come in various forms whether from children moving out, life long friends re-locating, people you have loved who must exit due to divorce, or the death of someone close to your heart. So many goodbyes to endure.

No joke indeed.

There's much pain and sadness that accompanies these years. And because of that you realize there must be a conscious decision to make peace, acceptance and joy what fuels your existence now. There must be a conscious effort to take the same strength and passion that's been behind all you've done and given to this point whether to your partner, your children or other family members, your job, your home, your friends, your pets, whatever it's been you must now give it to yourself and any dream you may have for your future because this IS your future. You understand that the profound sense of loss for what once was must be balanced out with gratitude for what is.

You've heard that saying, "Happiness is a choice"? It always has been but it is especially so in this phase of life. It's okay to mourn the past. You've given much of yourself to the days and years and experiences that have led you here. Acknowledge it, mourn it if need be but now is the time for healing. Now is the time to close the wounds that need closing and embrace what's yet to be with enthusiasm and joy.

Now is the time for freedom.

Now is your time to fly...

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly.

XO,
Carrie