Blind Faith

As you probably know about me already, I'm a huge advocate of faith. Life is always testing our faith. Always testing our ability to believe in something that we can't find any evidence of with our five senses.

What's the difference between being hopeful or optimistic and blind faith? I'm not sure, but to me it's the severity of the situation at hand. You can be optimistic that you'll find a good parking spot at the mall and that they will still have your favorite lipstick in stock when you get inside. You can be hopeful that your child will be picked for the sports team or chorus that he wants to be a part of, etc.. Blind faith isn't really a requirement in those types of situations because you don't have alot to lose if it doesn't pan out.

When a situation arises in life that is heartbreakingly difficult, a situation that you know will be life altering if it doesn't go the way you pray it will, a situation that really knocks you for a loop because it seems to have come out of nowhere, that's when you need to call on blind faith. When the situation at hand is one you have no control over and leaves you sleepless by night and fighting back the tears by day because you just can't fathom the change that could be coming down the pike, that's when you need to have blind faith.

You can't see it, you can't hear it, you can't smell it, you can't taste it and you can't feel it, at least not with your fingertips, but you believe in it anyway. The only evidence you have points in the opposite direction of what your heart is hoping for, you believe anyway.

How do you do that? How do you have blind faith? Simple - you don't have a choice, because to allow yourself to believe anything but the best possible outcome is too devastating a choice and too detramental to your well being. Blind faith is easier than the alternative.

Believe...

xo,
Carrie

Her Love

My aunt in Florida did pass away this week and it has me thinking alot about Mom and what we went through when she left us. It occurred to me that I don't think I've shared what I wrote for her funeral so I'll do that now -

I have memories of my mom, although as I age they seem to become fewer and fewer. I can't remember her holding me as a baby or playing with me as a toddler. I can't remember all the lullabies though I know they were sung, or many of the bedtime stories that were a nightly ritual, but I remember her love.

I do remember the smell of bacon frying coming from the kitchen and fresh squeezed orange juice on a Sunday morning. I can hardly remember my school days but I do remember running home from elementary school one morning in tears simply because I missed her. When I arrived home her response was, "Did that mean girl throw a snowball at you?" and when I told her I simply missed her she gave me a big hug and let me stay home from school that day. I remember her love.

I know in my heart that our connection will live way beyond our time on this earth, I just wish I knew how. Maybe she'll be the wind and I'll be the cattails on the shore bending in her breeze. Or maybe she'll be the ocean and I'll be the sand and we'll be locked in a constant embrace. Perhaps I'll be the animal in need of shelter and she'll be the Oak tree offering up her shade. She was always good at being my shelter.

I know we will find eachother again but in the meantime, who will love me as she did? Who will be able to put my thoughts into words when I can't seem to find the right ones? Who will know my heart before I even speak it? Who will feel my pain as strongly as I do or cry my tears as if they were her own?

I've been cradled in her love since the moment I was conceived. There is no love like a mother's love. There is no love like MY mother's love. I may not remember every detail of my life with her but I do remember her love...and always will. -

I think it's important to mention that after I read this and was heading back to my seat in the church, I stopped off to give my dad a hug and he looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm going to try.". God, I love that man.

xo,
Carrie

Fed up!

I've been sick with a cold for the past few days and I have something to say...what the frig does it take for a gal to get some TLC around here?! My husband is too concerned about getting sick himself to come anywhere near me and my thirteen year old is too involved in his, "Yes, the world DOES revolve around me thank you very much" stage to offer compassion. As a matter of fact, I was on his poop list last night when I refused to get my sick butt up out of bed to drive him to the store for a video game; "Come on! It will only take a few minutes, you won't even have to get out of the car! Don't you know I have NO games left for my Xbox?!" I finally had to kick him out of my room.

I understand fully that for the most part, females are the nurturers of this world. It's what we do, it's what comes naturally and it's what feeds our souls BUT, as I said to my husband last night, "Is it too much to think that perhaps you'd inquire as to whether I needed something? A glass of ice water perhaps? You wouldn't even need to come in the bedroom, you could pass it through the door! Or better yet, give it to our son to bring in to me, he'd be all too happy to come back in here for another shot at me.".

This has been a rough, cold, snowy winter and I'm over it. Thankfully my annual retreat is coming up in a couple of weeks and while every year I look forward to it, this year it seems like a saving grace because it's official - I've reached that mid winter place where I am fed up with everything and everyone. No...that's a lie...not everyone, just a select few!

xo,
Carrie

Random Thoughts

Superbowl Sunday, 2011!

Oh the excitement that football fans must be feeling today! That excitement is not really brewing in my household. I'm not a sports loving kind of girl, unless it's my child or someone I know playing in the game. My husband enjoys football but he's not a fanatic like alot of people I know. Now when baseball season rolls around, that will be a different story.

I'll enjoy the socialization today brings more than the actual reason for it. We'll be going to a neighbors house with several other friends for lots of food, drink, conversation and a nice fire going in the fire place. The kids will all come equipped with quarters for the football pool, betting grid thing (no, I'm not a gambler, can you tell?) and when one of them wins the adults will cheer and the other kids will most likely be mumbling something under their breath about it not being fair. Losing graciously is hard and hopefully something learned with age.

It's a beautiful day today. Only in mid-winter would you hear me refer to a sunny day with a high of forty degrees as beautiful, but in comparison to what we've been dealing with and what's still ahead of us for at least a few more weeks, I'll take it. Oh, and that reminds me, my quoting the weatherman as saying this is the snowiest winter on record for us the other day was inaccurate. Apparently they said they felt we would surpass that record before winter's end. Sorry! I was intending to take a walk today but after an hour and a half of yoga this morning and now starting to feel like I might be coming down with something, I don't think it's going to happen.

I had a dream about my mom last night. I love when that happens because the dreams of her are becoming fewer and farther between. I adore hearing her voice. Last night she was yelling at my dad for not having gas in the car or some such thing. I miss them bickering affectionately.

My dad called me last night to tell me that my aunt, his brother's wife, was on her death bed in a hospital in Florida. I guess she was having severe pain in her abdomen so my uncle took her to the hospital. They found a large, inoperable blockage in her colon so they are keeping her as comfortable as possible while everyone sits and waits. I remember that waiting well. The thought of my uncle down there without much family around to support him through this makes me sad. He has one son who lives locally with his wife and that's it. If you've been reading my blog from the beginning then you know the kind of support my dad had when mom died. What a blessing.

You know that saying, "There are no coincidences"? Well not knowing this would be happening with my aunt, just last week my dad, who has not been to Florida to visit his brother in years, told me he'd booked a trip for the beginning of next month. I'm glad he'll be going as I think he's the perfect person to help my uncle get through these first few weeks without my aunt. He knows that lonliness all too well. I think the people who are able to support us best through hard times are the ones who have lived through what we're experiencing. In keeping with that thought (no coincidences), I don't think it was coincidental that my mom just happened to show up in my dream the same night I learned that my aunt was dying. I'm glad my aunt won't face what comes next alone.

Hope you're enjoying this sunny Sunday. GO TEAM!!!

xo,
Carrie

True Love

Marriage, well, any long term relationship, is extremely challenging. As someone who has been married for almost twenty nine years and with the same man for thirty five, I understand fully how difficult staying connected emotionally can be. Without going off on a long winded tangent about what these years have taught me I'll simply say that like so many things in life, true love comes and goes. It ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes and when it seems like it's disappeared for good, if you can hang on long enough it will resurface. Perhaps in a different form, but usually stronger and wiser.

Forever is a very long time and in our younger years when most of us think we're ready for a long term committment, we really have no idea what that word means. Life teaches us though and it can certainly be a harsh teacher at times. If true love is to prevail, it will not be without doing battle. We seem to think we're alone in that battle when we're going through it but I have seen it play out over and over again in just about every couple's relationship that I know. The most common battle I've seen is between the reality of true love and the notion of romantic love and that is a nasty battle for sure. Sometimes true love wins and sadly, often it doesn't. The pull for romantic love can be a strong one, especially when you're younger. Something to do with those pesky things we call hormones I think!

The following is something I wrote when someone I care about very much was facing that battle. I'm happy to report that true love won out and the imposter that the notion of romantic love is was exposed. Given enough time, it usually is.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER

Where have you been as she's traveled this path
Holding onto love she feels wasn't meant to last
Wanting so desperately to believe in the lie
Willingly watching as her life passes her by

Going with the flow as the days turn into years
Telling herself all the things she ever needs to hear
Convincing her heart this is how love's suppose to be
Maybe you'll be a good enough reason to allow herself to leave

You're just a beautiful stranger, that's what you are
You're every bit as elusive as a shooting star
Shining your light all across her sky
She'll take what you're offering before you pass on by

Starting to feel what she's denied for so long
She's not sure how this love of hers turned so wrong
Maybe you have been her truth all along
Or maybe you're just good material for another sad love song

It's been so long that she's lived like this
Never imagined her wake up call would be held in your kiss
Where have you been as she's longed and she's waited
Standing idly by as her dream for romantic love faded

You're just a beautiful stranger, that's what you are
You're every bit as elusive as a shooting star
She's not able to grab you, but she believes you're real
Stirring things up in her that she'd forgotten how to feel

She's been so disconnected from what matters to her
Feeling not rocking the boat has been the better choice for sure
How can she walk away and ignore what others need
To keep their worlds afloat and their hearts in one piece

Those little lives depend on her to keep them whole
She's trying her best to do it but it's taking it's toll
I pray she doesn't sacrifice it all and act in haste
Because the love they bring to her, you can never replace

You're just a beautiful stranger, you know you can't be more
So let her hold you close before you walk out that door
Remind her for a little while how good lovin's suppose to feel
But remind her that tonight's goodbye is part of this deal

True love's reality is never what you think it will be
Or maybe love's forever can't compare to being free
So slowly she's found other ways to fill the void
Not giving true love a chance to fill the emptiness with joy

Then she starts to believe that it's not enough
Going through the motions starts to get so tough
And then one day she sees what she wants in a stranger's smile
And realizes that feeling has been gone for a long, long while

She doesn't know if her life will ever change
Or if you met at another time things would be the same
She does remain hopeful true love's hold won't always burn
And keeps her heart open to the possibility that it will return

Eventually she'll be grateful for her time with you
Grateful for what this false connection's had the power to do
Don't ever convince yourself that you're more than what you are
It won't be long before you'll be someone else's shooting star

Oh beautiful stranger it's important that you know
Regardless of what she tells you she'll be just fine when you go
Your shooting star will pave the way for her true love to stay
It's time to take what you've been selling and be on your way

xo,
Carrie

Mother Earth

The date today is February 2nd and according to the news this morning this has been the snowiest winter on record, EVER for our state. They said we've had more snow here than in Siberia so far this winter. Now there's an encouraging fact! The kids are home from school for the second day in a row due to the weather and I've lost track of how many snow days they've had so far this year.

There are few things more beautiful than the earth blanketed by a freshly fallen snow, especially when it really sticks to everything. I love looking out and seeing all of the tree branches and bushes covered in snow. Then of course if you're lucky enough to have the sun's rays illuminate it all, the sight is just breathtaking.

We have two bird feeders right outside our kitchen window and I've really enjoyed watching the birds come to feed this winter. Most come to eat but the Morning Doves have come a few times now just seeking shelter from the storm. They huddle up underneath the slight overhang on the feeder and wait for the snow to subside. I hate to tell them but at this rate, they'll be here until spring!

I'm not really a winter person. I hate being cold and I'm not into winter sports. Other than walking the kids to and from school or walking back and forth to my car I watch the winter from inside of my house. I definitely start to disconnect from the outside world once winter rolls around and usually by now I can feel a slight depression settling in as I start to long for some connection with Mother Earth. Every year I tell myself I'm going to plan a winter vacation to somewhere warm but alas, here I sit. I even went to Yankee Candle the other day out of desperation and purchased some candles with scents like lilac and green grass to see if that would help carry me through until I can smell the real deal!

I believe whole heartedly that we are connected to Mother Earth in ways that I don't fully understand. I don't know what that connection stems from but I know that all the technology in the world doesn't make me feel as fulfilled as a nice long walk in the fresh air or my bare feet walking across some plush grass or squishing my toes into the warm sand. All the money in the world doesn't make me feel as happy as the sound of the leaves of a tree rustling in the breeze or the ocean pounding onto the shore as the seagulls call to eachother overhead or a quiet stream trickling down a stony path. The smell of a candle can't compare to the smell of spring's flowers in full bloom, a freshly fallen rain or the ocean air.

Nothing can make you feel as connected, content and alive as Mother Earth herself. Something about the way her natural vibrations feed my energy or her still moments calm and soothe. Her natural resources grow the food that nourishes me and her beauty nourishes my soul. It's the oxygen she creates that allows my breath and without that I would not exist. Everything she offers has a life cycle and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in that.

I will leave you with something written by Larry P. Aitken from the Chippewa Indian tribe and in the meantime, I think I've just talked myself into the purchase of some snowshoes!

"We grieve more because we have been disconnected from our earth, our first mother, our spiritual mother."

"Many people are lost because they don't know the importance of connection to the earth. They connect to money, relationships, to success, to goals. When we are disconnected from the earth, we have feelings of being sad or lost. When we are connected to the earth, we feel warm and secure."

"Great spirit, help me to stay connected to Mother Earth."

xo,
Carrie

I'm Fifty

As the youngest of seven children I've always felt like I've had the advantage of feeling young, or at least younger! It's been a blessing to know that no matter what I've gone through as a young girl, teenager, young woman and now surpassing mid-life, that I have three older sisters who've been through what I'm experiencing to support me and three older brothers who've always had my back. I have always felt very loved and nurtured and like being the baby has been a special place of honor in my family.

Before I turned fifty a few months ago, lots of people asked me how I felt about it. How was I handling it? Was it a difficult birthday? Was I okay?. My standard answer was, "Compared to losing my mother, fifty is a piece of cake!". The actual number had not affected me, nor did I go through a "thing"on or prior to my birthday. Suddenly though, the reality of being fifty is catching up to me. Even as I write this, the reality is there every time I look down and see the wrinkled, aging hand that's holding the pen.

My cousin was here visiting on New Years day and snapped a few pictures of me with my granddaughters. She's very good at capturing real life through the lens. She was kind enough to email me the pictures and as I scrolled through them I felt a bit like that "thing" that people were referring to had found me. The first picture had me sitting on a couch in front of a picture window with lots of natural light pouring through onto my face. It was a beautiful shot but for what may have been the first time, I saw my age. It was there in the lines on my face and the sagging skin on my neck and chest.

As I sat staring at that photo, the reality of fifty started settling in. The aches and pains that I wake with every morning, the arthritis that's progressing in my right hip and the fatigue that sends me to bed by 8:30 p.m. most nights are here to stay. All the carrots in the produce aisle will not restore my ability to read fine print without the assistance of the "cheaters" that now reside in every room of the house. The elasticity of the skin on the the stomach that housed three children is now a thing of the past and I don't know whose thighs and rearend the benefits of exercise are benefitting but it doesn't appear to be mine!

The side effects of menopause seem to mandate serious re-evaluation of yourself, your life and what you now (as a woman) bring to the table as a wife, a partner, a lover and anyone who tells you that they have better sex in their fifties than they did when they were younger is lying!

The advantage of being the baby is now slowly morphing into a disadvantage as I'm forced to digest that the oldest is heading toward seventy and if the good Lord doesn't take me first I will have to endure the loss of my siblings and that is something I cannot even fathom.

No amount of make-up, hairdye or designer clothing will mask what the natural sunlight will reveal. I AM fifty years old and the only things that will make a difference now are how well I take care of myself, how much joy I bring into my life, how much I am loved and how deeply I love. This much I know - joy and love gives natural sunlight a run for it's money! Joy and love shine through at any age.

xo,
Carrie