Connection

My brother-in-law is extremely smart. His intellect has always amazed me and for years after he became part of the family, it also intimidated me. I'm happy to say that over the years I've discovered he's also one of the most beautiful, loving souls I've ever met. He's always coming out with these random statements, usually some fact or another that he's anxious to share. His delivery is such that half the time you don't know if what he's saying is true, or a line of BS.

On Christmas day as I was hovering over the stove I heard him say to my Dad, "Did you know that scientists have discovered that our tastebuds can only detect four flavors?" He then went on to say what they were and I'm taking a risk here because I don't recall exactly but I think he said sweet, salty, sour and spicy, but I reiterate, I'm not sure. The conversation went on from there, "So what does that tell you about people like wine and food tasters that give a whole list of flavors they say they can detect in something? It tells you they're full of shit!" I love my brother in law!

I'm not sure why, but as I thought about this conversation, I thought about human emotion and how no matter how your life story may vary from mine, we ALL go through life experiencing the same basic emotions. It's really what connects us and gives us the ability to have compassion for people we've never even met. We may experience them on different levels, but we all feel them deeply at times throughout our lives.

When I was younger, I used to spend a ridiculous amount of time gossiping about people. It just seemed like a normal thing to do. As I've gotten older, and hopefully wiser I understand what a horribly destructive pastime this is. I think it takes maturity and life experience to come to a realization like that.

"Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes", makes so much more sense when you've gone through the ups and downs of trying to make a marriage work for many years or struggled with your weight and self image on and off your whole life or lived through the debilitating fear and pain of a child's drug addiction.

"There but for you go I", means so much more when you've sat in the doctor's office, sweaty palmed after two mammograms and an ultrasound due to a "suspicious" looking mass, and gotten the all clear, only to learn of a friend who's going to lose her breast and all of her hair to chemo because she didn't. Or feeling frustrated because you're breaking into your piggy bank for quarters to fill your gas tank, all the while knowing another check is coming Fridayand then hearing of two more friends who've lost their jobs this week.

We are all connected by the same basic emotions and it's SO important to remember that we really are only one experience away from walking in each other's shoes. One experience away from understanding each other's hearts and apparently only one taste away from experiencing the same four flavors!

xo,
Carrie

Kids

It's school vacation week and instead of having a nice calm week with my son, I agreed for the first time in a long time, to care for three little ones from 7:30 a.m. (they actually showed up at 6:55, guess Dad didn't want to be late!) until 4:30 p.m,. when their Mom comes to get them. No, I haven't lost my mind, it's just what a failing economy and a past due cell phone bill will do to a person. The oldest boy M is six, his brother T is four, and their little sister A is two.

I'd forgotten how manic the house can feel with little ones running around in it -

M- "Carrie, can I shoot this (Nerf) gun?" as he shoots and it hits T in the forehead.
T - "OW! He shot me in the head! STUPID! Carrie, I NEED some of these"as he points to the Pop Tarts.
A - Screams as the dog comes a little too close for her liking.
M - "Carrie, when are we having the chips we brought? Can I have one of those (pointing to the Pop Tarts) too?"
T - "Carrie, I NEED some of those" as he points to the Lucky Charms cereal.
A - Screams as her brother goes to sit in a chair that apparently she has dibs on.
Carrie - "A, please don't scream."
A - "Huh?"
Carrie - "Please don't scream A."
A - "Huh?"
Carrie - "Ask your brother nicely if you can sit there"
A - "WHAT?"
Carrie - "Nevermind." I need coffee!

Kids definitely bring chaos to a house, but they also make it come alive. The zeal with which they do everything is infectious. The honesty in their words is refreshing. There is no lack of intimacy with young children, they haven't learned how to do it differently yet (thank goodness). They are all too willing to share every detail of every thought. And I do mean EVERY thought -

M - "Carrie, did you know that my Dad has a special card that has $300 on it that we can buy food with"?
T - "Carrie, did you know that we have spiders all over our basement"?
A - "Huh"?

Yes, I'd forgotten the crazy energy that fills the day when you're caring for little ones. I'd also forgotten how light hearted hearing the theme song from Sesame Street or seeing a big, purple, dancing dinosaur prance across your TV screen can make you feel. I'd forgotten the sheer joy the hearty, no holds barred, laugh of a two year old when you tickle her tummy can bring to your heart.

I'm reminded of why, when there were about ten or more of us gathered around Mom's hospital bed chatting away a few days before she died and I asked her if she was tired and wanted us to dispurse, she smiled and said, "No. It sounds normal". She loved the noise, and so do I.

No I haven't lost my mind, quite the contrary. I've been given the gift of recalling why I do what I do for a living. Kids are awesome!

xo,
Carrie

Intimacy

I think when you lose someone you love deeply, alot of what has previously been your life experience suddenly seems so superficial. I mean come on, once you've literally watched life leave a loved one's body and held their hand while it's happening, it's hard to get excited about what's for dinner.

If you've experienced this type of loss, then hopefully you understand what I mean. It's not that I've lost interest in the every day happenings of family and friends, I love them and want to be kept in the loop, but I find more and more that the conversations that once sustained me, now can seem so trivial. The social gatherings that I once enjoyed immensely, now leave me kind of quiet, and frankly just aren't as appealing. It's hard to know what to say at these things now, "Yeah, I no longer have a mother, it breaks my heart that my dad is alone after 56 years with her, my family and I are trying desperately to move through the sadness and your cheese dip is delicious."

I think I've always been someone who longs for intimacy in my relationships, but I find that more now than ever. I don't blame this all on losing Mom, I know it's also due in part to my growing older. I now see life through an almost 50 year old's eyes and that changes perspective.

I've never been one to hold back on sharing my thoughts/feelings with others and I'm excited about  doing just that. I hope I'm brave enough to share intimately with you. If not, then really, what's the point? I'm sure there are plenty of humurous writers out there and hopefully at times you'll find that here too. I'm confident there are plenty of people all too willing to share their political and religious views with you, hopefully you WON'T find much of that here. World events? Maybe. The latest celeb screw ups? That might just be too much fun to pass up! Mostly, what I hope you'll find here is just me. The authentic me, sharing life, the good, the bad and the ugly, in it's most intimate form.

Oh...and PLEASE don't stop inviting me to your gatherings! I really, really do love your cheese dip.

xo,
Carrie

Beginning

I don't sleep much these days. Too many thoughts, too many hot flashes, an ever weakening bladder. A good night's sleep is something I should have valued more when I was fortunate enough to have one.

It's amazing to me the number of thoughts that can come into a person's head in the quiet, dark moments of late night and early morning. Some nights so many that I truly believe it would be impossible to count. Sometimes the thoughts are fleeting, and silly, "I hope I have enough coffee left to make a cup in the morning." I know, you diehard coffee drinkers out there are thinking there is NOTHING silly about that thought! I however, am a one cup (sometimes half) decaf drinker, so this thought really doesn't warrant me losing sleep over it.

Other times the thoughts are deep, and sad, "I can't believe that it's been two months since Mom passed. I should have kissed her one more time. I should have asked her if she was sure when she said she was ready to go. Maybe she would have stayed longer if I asked her if she was sure. Maybe she would have been able to endure the chemo and radiation that would have faced her had she made it through this episode and we could have had her for a few more years. Maybe I should have tried to talk her out of dying. Maybe not."

Then there are thoughts that you feel can be potentially life changing like the one I had last night, "I am a writer...who never writes!" And that is ultimately why I've decided to start writing again. I know how vital writing is to my well being and yet my thoughts have not made it on to paper for quite some time now. I once sent a book of my writings to Joan Anderson (author of A Year By The Sea and other books) who praised what I had done and encouraged me to write a book of prose, as most of what I've written up until this point has been in the form of poetry. That was more than a decade ago and needless to say, it hasn't happened.

My New Year's resolution this year is to write something, ANYTHING, as often as possible, to share with you until I reach 100 entries. At that point, hopefully I'll be able to look back and feel that I've contributed something to your life, but more importantly I hope I will have contributed something to MY life. I promise my entries to be honest, from the heart, hopefully relatable and definitely simply put.

I look forward to sharing this journey with you!

xo,
Carrie