Stories

I came across something I had written while away on retreat in 2005. We were asked to come with something special, a treasure if you will, to circle time that night. Something that was all ours to share so I shared what was my story up until that point in my life. One of the benefits of writing is being able to go back and read your story, see where it ended and see where it's gone since that ending. That's why writing is a treasure to me.

I ran into a good friend at CVS yesterday who reads my blogs and she said, "Carrie, don't ever apologize for not writing your blog. These blogs are a gift to us and you don't need to apologize for not giving us a gift!" It made me feel better about the days that I've missed. Please know that my being able to share my deepest thoughts with you is a gift for me.


A gentle soul, a compassionate heart
Are gifts God gave me right from the start
Strength to live when I couldn't breathe
A Mom who loved me enough to leave

Hopped a plane down south to give my lungs a rest
Only a slight memory of that war in my chest
A lingering fear when cold season draws near
A blessing from above, no asthma attacks in years

First day of kindergarten, shoes shiny and new
Special school dress with flowers of red and blue
Waving goodbye to Dad who held the video cam
Mom choking back tears as we walked hand in hand

Arriving at school on my own now, grade two
Sitting down on the steps to remove my snow boots
An unexpected pool of tears as I sat alone
Boots back on my feet, I ran all the way home

When I opened the door my mom looked confused
"Did that mean girl Denise throw a snowball at you?"
"No Mom, without warning, I just missed you too much."
No schoolwork that day, just a mother's loving touch

Dance lessons in tutus that made me feel fat
Always feeling awkward in that damn ballet class
Fish sticks and fries every friday night for a treat
Doesn't make for a ballerina who's light on her feet

As the youngest of seven I think I grew up too fast
Always wanting what they had, I hated being last
I tried to be like them and all of a sudden, I was
I of course wish now I hadn't been in such a rush

By age fifteen I'd left my innocence behind me
Oh so certain true love had come to find me
Just one of those moments I would take back in time
If reliving the past was a magical power of mine

But for every moment I'd want to take back
There's countless others that I want to last
Forever untouched or changed by time
Lord, how I hope they don't get lost in my mind

Some of the ones I hope I'll never forget;
My mom and dad dancing to Tony Bennett
The everpresent sound of piano playing and song
My fear of thunderstorms drowned by a family sing along

Dads accordian playing at Christmas time
Moms pot roast and mashed potatoes on which we'd dine
The smell of swedish meatballs and cabbage soup
Did it's job well, no need to call for the troops

One by one in the kitchen we'd appear
All were wondering if dinner time was near
Up on kitchen counters, cross legged on the floor
We'd wait, we'd laugh, we'd sit and talk and laugh some more

If I could go back in time to just one place
It would be my mother's kitchen to see the smile on her face
I've never felt so much love as that kitchen had
Pouring through my mom surrounded by her kids and my dad

Oh sure, there was anger and teardrops and fights
Sometimes cocktail hour would last well into the night
Cigarettes and cigars would overflow the ashtrays
Sometimes on those nights, I'd wish I was far away

But the love always lasted well beyond those nights
I have to dig deep to even remember a fight
Although the one when sister punched brother, I do recall
She was fulfilling the secretly hidden desire of us all

Poor brother sometimes thought his shit didn't stink
And that noone would challenge his desire to be "King"
But sister's quiet demeanor could only be pushed so far
He didn't see it coming, but I'm sure he saw stars

I met my true love when I was just shy of sixteen
Cutest guy at the party and lo and behold, he was free
He wrote down my number in the mist on his car
As I was thinking, "Oh yeah...this will go far!"

If I knew then what love needs to endure
I'd have run in the opposite direction, I'm sure
But with twenty eight years and three beautiful sons
I'm nothing but grateful for what that night had begun

As mother of three boys, there's no end to the lessons
Though I admit sometimes it's hard to hear their confessions
Yet I wouldn't trade their trust that I love them enough
To be able to bare their souls when life gets too tough

I'm still working on freeing more of the real me
The adventurous spirit, musician and writer that I long to be
Slowly but surely it's finding its way
Through the strength and new perspective coming every day

The stories of my past have brought me to this place
The love of family and friends, and Gods amazing grace
A desire to learn and move and grow
And the incredible power found in letting go

So you ask what treasure I'd like to share tonight
It's the same I try to share every day of my life
A gentle soul, a compassionate heart, the love this world needs
An attempt at God's healing light shining through me


xo,
Carrie