What If?

I've been dealing with some unresolved health issues for a few years now. Last week I met with a wonderful nutritionist who specializes in functional medicine. If you're not familiar with functional medicine the simple explanation is that it deals with the whole picture of health, not just a diagnosis of your physical symptoms and the sole solution being found in the writing of a prescription. I'm not doing it justice, I'm sure, with this explanation but hey, it's 2019, you can google it! During our conversation she wanted me to go through my history from early childhood right up to today, as best I could, in order to give her an idea of my story and how it has influenced my health. It was a fascinating (and not so easy) endeavor which helped to shed some light on how every piece of our past influences our present. It doesn't have to dictate, but you can't get around the fact that it absolutely influences.

What if you could forget everything you've learned about fear through the years and had the ability to start over, fear free? Would you want to? And if you did, how on earth would you even begin to push that reset button? I'm sure you've heard that saying, "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" or something like that. I hear that and I can't help but chuckle. I understand it's a valid question and has likely helped a lot of people to begin the process of change, but come on! Is that really a relevant question for someone who lives their life from a place of fear?

Do they mean what would I do if I didn't have to fight for my life as a very young child due to severe asthma which set the tone for my immune system to live in fight or flight mode from a very young age? What would I do if I didn't have those breathing issues that led to years of bronchitis with just about every sniffle that found it's way to me and hospitalization for pneumonia just as my teen years were beginning? What would I do if I wasn't the youngest of seven children who fought to find her place in a large family day in and day out? What would I do if I didn't grow up in a family that passed down the unhealthy belief that food and a cocktail or two (or three) had the power to comfort and cure whatever ails you? Let me stop here and clarify something before going on. I have been absolutely blessed throughout my entire life to be part of the most loving, caring, nurturing family possible. I am grateful every day for them. That doesn't mean that we didn't struggle with our dysfunctions just like any other family.

What would I do if I didn't marry and begin a family before I truly knew how to care for myself, let alone be a mother and a wife? What would I do if I didn't spend most of my life fearing for all of my children and the ways in which the world could potentially gobble them up? What would I do if our family (and my stomach) didn't spend years in turmoil trying to navigate our way through my son's drug addiction? Or what would I do if I didn't spend most of my life worrying profusely about others and their pain?

Okay, I think you get my point. It's kind of a foolish question in my book, my stomach is in knots just writing this! When you think about your life story are you surprised that it has brought you to where you are today? Or does it make perfect sense that you would be here? For those of us who've spent a good part of their life in fight or flight mode, all of that fighting settles deeply into your cells and brings your body, your mind, and sadly, your spirit to a place where it becomes fearful to trust. Fearful of being harmed, by the environment, by people, by circumstance, by food, you name it.

So, what if you could forget everything you've learned about fear and start fresh? Where would you begin? We do have a choice. As much as the question annoys me, that is the underlying truth. We DO have a choice. I'm 58 years old and I'm beginning to understand the meaning behind the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Old habits aren't easy to break. They become our comfort and our sense of control but I also understand that it's up to me. Who do you want to be now? Who ARE you now? I pretty much began my journey on this earth fighting and fearful but the good news is I don't have to go out the way I came in!

What if...?

XO,
Carrie