Cranky

I am an absolute bear today! I can feel it creeping slowly, taking over my entire being and I'm not sure how to shut it off this morning. EVERYTHING is irritating me! My aches and pains, especially this sore jaw that keeps recurring and I haven't figured out the source yet, the sound of the phone that keeps ringing nonstop, the sight of the dust on the furniture and the dirty dishes and the piles of laundry. Walls that are in need of painting, closets that need to be cleaned and organized, windows that are still screaming to be cleaned despite the numerous attempts (in my head) to tackle that project. The bills and the lack of money to pay them leading to this feeling of inadequacy that is making my head pound. My every thought this morning is just pissing me off!

The poor dog, whose latest thing is to have an anxiety attack whenever he gets gated in the kitchen because of muddy or wet paws or I've just vacuumed and would like to enjoy an hour of seeing no dog hair all over the house, is getting on my last nerve! Earlier, after he'd been outside for some time, as soon as he saw the gate going up he started the shaking and the panting. Knowing I'm in no mood to deal with that this morning I walked away and went upstairs to start sorting some laundry. Next thing I know, I hear him banging the gate against the doorway in an attempt to move it with his nose and a minute later, guess who appeared at the top of the stairs? I'm sure he was very proud of his escape, that is until he encountered me up there. He then realized very quickly that he'd made a very BAD choice! I screamed at the top of my lungs "KITCHEN!" like a mad woman and for some strange reason he began running away from me, into every room of the house BUT the kitchen and of course I kept chasing him screaming "KITCHEN" louder every time. My son finally surfaced from his room, grabbed the dog by his collar and said, "Why does he need to go into the kitchen?". I yelled back, "Because his paws were wet and I'm SICK of this behavior! My son knew enough not to take it any further and helped me by escorting the dog back into the kitchen. As the dog sat in the corner shaking uncontrollably and panting like crazy I looked at him and yelled, "Yeah...you BETTER shake now!". Oh man...I'm going to hell, I just know it.

Some days no matter how hard you try to fight it, it's just bigger than you are. Some days, all the blessings in the world just aren't enough to silence the "Oh woe is me" thoughts that take over and make for a miserable day.

I have a client in less than an hour and I'm quite certain that once I get out of my house and out of my head my mood will shift. I'll attempt to do the things that normally make me feel better when I feel like this, like writing this blog, taking a walk, sitting in the sun and maybe calling a friend. I'll try hard not to fall into old patterns of drowning my feelings with food which will ultimately make things worse and be thankful that I no longer have a desire to drown them with alcohol. Maybe I'll make a card or two.

I'll give it my best shot and hope that this day ends in a very different place than it has begun but if you drop by later and see my husband in a corner of the kitchen shaking uncontrollably, you'll know I didn't succeed!

xo,
Carrie